“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom” – Viktor Frankl, Auschwitz survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning.
We all know the feeling: you’re on a high. Everyone is congratulating you on the killer presentation, but it’s the one ambiguous comment that rattles you. Or someone rolls their eyes for whatever reason, and you just can’t let it go. How can one dash of faint praise ruin your moment of victory?
You’re experiencing what psychologists call ‘negativity bias’, one of those evolutionary hand-me-downs that no longer serve us in modern society. A rustle in the undergrowth is unlikely to be a snake in the modern world, but the primitive part of our brain still isn’t taking any chances. The amygdala – the part of the brain responsible for defending our ancestors – uses two-thirds of its capacity to scan for threats and near-misses, and then stores them in our memory to ensure the survival of our species.
While it may be the reason you’re alive to read this, this evolutionary adaption translates into some very defensive behaviour in 21st century life. Negative feedback, or even perceived negative feedback, is ‘taken in’ by us as a perceived assault of some kind: a slight on our competence, dignity or even security in the world.
This tendency to amplify negative feedback – no matter how mild or well-meaning it may be – can set up a negative narrative that causes us to internalise feelings of sadness, anger, self-recrimination, unworthiness or depression. And this voice in our head can quickly develop into a ‘default setting’.
The reactivity trap
In addition to holding us back and ruining many potentially positive moments, this tendency can also make us more likely to react without thinking clearly. Consider road rage: how often do you allow someone changing lanes without indicating to wreck not just your commute but your equilibrium? Yes, there may have been some real, old-fashioned danger there, but our reaction is often automatic and overly defensive. If only other people weren’t such idiots, right?
The problem is, justifying our response by blaming other people’s behaviour robs us of two things: first, the ability to stand back and observe ourselves and the situation. Is my response rational and appropriate? Is my ‘fight or flight’ response disproportioned or even out of control? And second, this kind of reactivity to perceived slights robs us of our true agency – our ability to choose to respond in a manner that supports who we want to be and how we want to feel.
Fighting the urge to fight
Many psychologists see defensiveness as a major obstacle to personal growth, especially when it comes to reacting to criticism. Defensiveness can become a personality trait, a habit of reactions that people feel they can’t control and are unlikely to address because it’s just too painful to confront their own shortcomings. In short, we can become unable to benefit from any form of criticism, shooting down incoming feedback – and, in so doing, robbing ourselves of potential opportunities to grow and change for the better.
Dale Partridge, the founder of StartupCamp.com and author of People Over Profit, cites defensiveness as the trait most likely to derail your business goals. “From where I stand, defensiveness is an immaturity. One definition I found was ‘devotion to resisting or preventing growth.’ A dangerous trait, especially when entrepreneurship might as well be a synonym for constant correction,” he writes.
His advice: embrace people who correct you! If a range of people in your life are saying something along the lines of “don’t be so defensive”, chances are it’s you, not them. Partridge describes three common defensive reactions in the face of helpful correction:
1. Withdrawal: what psychologists call passive avoidance.
2. Aggression: the need to challenge, reject or deflect the criticism.
3. Passive surrender: AKA playing the victim – “I’m terrible. I know… I’m a complete idiot” – which turns out to be another form of defence and a means to avoid growth. At this point, the person has made themselves out to be so horrible that you’re no longer discussing the problem and are now rescuing them from the pool of guilt and shame.
So, what can you do? First, find ways to resist the urge to fight back. Take a deep breath and start to notice the pounding in your ears and the surge of adrenaline. Wait for these physiological responses to pass – even if that takes a minute or two – and then assess the feedback calmly. What are they saying to me? What does it really mean? Even if it is poorly conveyed, is there some useful information there? Does it ‘fit’ a little? How can I take it onboard and figure out a way to deal with it that helps me grow?
Change is something you choose to do, and successful growth happens when you can understand why and how you react to perceived negative feedback. Change is possible at any age and in any circumstance – but it starts with checking your reactivity at the door. So, the next time someone says, ‘Don’t get angry, but…’, surprise everyone – including yourself – and don’t get angry. Hear them out.
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