Is marriage everything it’s cracked up to be? And if you’re happy in your marriage, do you really need all those rules and regulations you swore by on your wedding day? Sam Wilson mulls what it means to say I do.
‘So, what do you think… should we get divorced?’ I said to my husband Andreas, about 10 years ago.
Andreas sighed. ‘We go over and over this. I don’t think I care as much as you do. If you can’t stop thinking about it, then by all means, look into it. But honestly? I don’t really mind either way. Do what makes you happy, honey.’
The main reason I abandoned the idea of divorce back then was what I found out that the process requires you to swear in court, under oath, that you feel there is no possibility of reconciliation. And since we were still very much together and in love, that was not an option.
So why was I considering divorce whilst so ‘happily married’? The concept of marriage has always sat very awkwardly with me.
We got married young, because we found each other young and wanted to celebrate that with our family and loved ones. Dreas said that he fell in love with me at first sight, committed to me and didn’t really give a toss about the rest. I knew our parents really wanted us to stop ‘living in sin’ and the wedding seemed like a fun, harmless idea and a chance for the extended families to get to meet. The whole dressing up thing was a real pain for me, but hey… friends, family, presents, an open bar: what’s not to love?
Andreas and I were wary of making vows that could be broken even then. We not only took ‘obey’ out of the ceremony, obviously, but also ‘forsaking all others’ and ’til death do you part’ and any mention of God.
In fact, as one of the wedding guests grumbled to me at the reception, it was ‘hardly a wedding, but more a declaration to continue dating for the foreseeable future’.
My relationship with Andreas has been my life’s biggest blessing, and I really feel very strongly that I don’t want to cheapen or undermine that abiding sense of wonder by adopting rules which feel like constriction, not celebration. Yes, there’s solemnity in our love, but society’s concept of marriage – originating from such a place of misogyny and religious obedience – does not feel like an appropriate framework.
I want to stay with Andreas not because I have to, am supposed to, or because it’s too much of a legal palaver not to… I want to wake up every morning and choose Andreas – on the good ones and the bad ones – because our journey together feels beautiful and right for both of us.
Cheesy? Sure. But love and partnerships are to be honored, not sanctified, contained or endured. And I think, as a culture, we don’t cherish the magic of choosing each other enough.
I asked Andreas for his thoughts on this again, as I was writing this. His response? ‘I just love you, our life and our family. The rest are details.’ And he’s right; they ARE details, but I believe one needs to consider them really carefully, if you want to build a relationship on your own terms.
So what did I decide about getting divorced? Well, if you do look past the details… you probably shouldn’t screw with something that is still really working. And here’s to that magic.
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