Everyone has their “How I was discovered moment”, right?
By everyone I mean Charlize (having a tantrum in a bank), Toni Braxton (singing to herself at a gas station) and Channing Tatum (just standing there, on the beach, looking all Channing and gorgeous).
So when I got a chance to be an extra in a “SuzelleDIY” video, I knew my moment had come. I’d recently decided to get into better shape, and by being cast as a front row dancer, my natural grace, rhythm and comedic brilliance would get me noticed by the droves of…well, I wasn’t really sure who I expected to be there to notice me.
From the production meetings, I knew it would just be Suzelle, the YouTube DIY presenter, and her crew, and I was pretty certain they weren’t casting for the local version of a cross between Magic Mike, and Will & Grace’s Jack. I could be the next Kevin Federline, without all that Britney drama. Still, I was confident my moment had come.
We were briefed: “Stand there and follow the dance instructor.” Hmmm. Conflicting. But I wasn’t about to ask what my inspiration was supposed to be. I’d be my own inspiration! We were given appropriate fitness outfits to wear. And this is where it all started to unravel grotesquely.
I’m 41, and more inclined to be the ‘Before’ in one those ‘Before and After’ ads that proliferate the internet. Hence my wanting to get fitter. Also, I’m not a beer drinker, but I do have a beer belly of astonishing proportions. It’s not mine, I swear. Somewhere out there some buff galoot is swilling back caseloads of beer and flaunting his rock-hard thingummies (whatever those muscles are called – his six pack, yes, that thing) – while some strange mutation passes all that beer-belliness over to me. Who doesn’t drink beer.
It’s not that I’m out of shape, but as I start my fitness journey, it’s more like I am several shapes all at once. The point is – the sponsored gear only went up to size Large. And on a good, thin day, I am an Extra Large and a Half.
The shorts were so short and tight you could read my inclination. And I daren’t bend over in any of the dervish-like dance moves, because in those tiny little gym shorts, my ‘bend and snap’ would really snap those micro-shorts and release my sturdy thighs and manly buttocks – and well, I was standing just in front of Suzelle. That’s NOT the kind of impression I wanted to make.
I am a man of resolution, however. If I was intent on being discovered, I couldn’t let a little thing like a complete and utter wardrobe malfunction get in my way. So I hiked those short shorts up as far as they would go, sucked in my belly and pulled that too-tight tee down over the shorts. I was ready!
Rolling! Action!
The music began. The instructor took us through a few easy-to-master paces and soon we were twisting, twirling and sweating up a storm. Great workout PLUS being discovered in a SuzelleDIY video? Perfect day!
Then it happened…as I bobbed and weaved from left to right, the too-tight tee snapped up, nearly costing me a nipple. At the same time, the elasticated band of the shorts snapped downwards, smashing into my Unmentionables, eliciting a yelp that I hoped only dogs and seagulls could hear. And then that damned belly bounced out, in counterpoint to all my graceful moves.
Blinded more by embarrassment than by sweat, I gyrated through the last of the take, muffin-topping and moose-knuckling through every hop, skip, and giggle from the rest of the crew. I prayed they were laughing at Suzelle.
One of the crew filmed the whole thing from the sidelines. With MY phone. I really thought I had some killer dance moves on me. Until I watched that video. No. Turns out #NotAllGayMen can dance. In fact, some us should just sit down.
And pray we are never discovered. I’ll be doing all my workouts without a camera crew from now on.
Leave a Reply