I’ll never forget the day I realised it was time for me to commit to doing the work I had always wanted to. Thanks to a supportive boss who remains a close friend, the time came somewhere near the middle of 2012, but it didn’t happen without tears.
Making the transition from management to freelancing scared me. It prevented me from committing to the idea that I could be the writer I had always secretly wanted to be.
I came up with grand excuses, told myself I wasn’t good enough to do it full-time and spent at least four years convinced I was destined never to see my name as a byline.
Nowadays, I keep seeing my byline. The magic of viewing my name in print or on a website I have always wanted to write for (like this one!) didn’t happen by accident though, because I know too well the tumbles it took to get here.
You are now a Zero
I loved my job, with its fast pace and high demands. It meant late nights, hard decisions and sometimes failing at other areas of life, because we worked for a good purpose.
I’d worked my way up from bright-eyed young adult to a management position in my thirties. The team I worked with had seen me through the birth of my daughter, the protracted illnesses of my parents and their eventual deaths, and the heaving mess I was when I became a single parent. They even survived my early twenties with me, when I thought wearing a bikini top to work on a hot summer day was okay. Leaving them behind frightened me, but it had to be done. I felt like a zero for the first six months, as I sought writing opportunities for myself.
You Used To Be a Hero
My boss back then used to have a nickname for me – Twinkle. She knew she could rely on me when disaster hit. Suddenly though, I was not a hero.
Nobody gave me a crisis to deal with, and nobody really wanted me to help, because it just wasn’t my job. I felt like a fallen hero, like Batman when the Batmobile’s engine gives in.
Realising that my sense of purpose would have to come from my own being, and not from external demand, reduced me to a sobbing mess at my desk, every day.
Rediscovering Self-Affirmation
I found myself desperately seeking affirmation, from anyone who would listen. I’d bore my boyfriend with longwinded stories about my work. I even took umbrage with him because he once confessed he hadn’t read a column of mine. It took months to move beyond this negativity, with my inner voice trying to convince me I’d made the wrong choice. Sometimes, when I am Queen Of The Bad Days, that little voice still yells at me. But most days, it’s quiet. That’s the thing about bad days – they’re just days.
So while I may lose an opportunity because I’m too old (that’s happened!) or get a million edits back on work I’ve completed (happens often, all good work must be edited) or get passed over for an opportunity, I know now that I made the right choice.
I’m not the Zero I thought I was, but I am the Hero in this little story I’m probably always going to be busy writing.
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