There are good reasons why babies see all humans as “the Mama” or “Not- the-Mama”. If you’re a Mama, here’s a handy guide to surviving that distinction. By Kagiso Msimango
In the 90s there was a sitcom called Dinosaurs, featuring a family of puppet dinosaurs. The father, Earl Sinclair, had a mildly embarrassed air about him, because he couldn’t get his youngest child, Baby Sinclair, to refer to him as anything other than “Not-the-Mama”.
This is an accurate description of how most babies view people. The Mamas and the Not-the-Mamas. Unfortunately for The Mamas, there is usually only one Mama per baby versus 6-billion Not-the-Mamas. During my first pregnancy, I used to ask every mother I came across about motherhood. One gave me an honest and frank response. “Relentless, motherhood is relentless”. Truer words have never been uttered.
It is the mam maries that make it relentless, the milk-producing kind. They are the sole reason your baby prefers you, rather loudly, to every single other human being on earth. Since babies feed frequently, mothers of infants are virtually prisoners.
As Jerry Seinfeld observed, “Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.”. Mother Nature prioritises them over us and has devised wily traps to ensure you are always at their service.
Trap one: The position in which you hold your baby to feed, allows her to look you deeply and hypnotically in the eyes. This mesmerising gaze makes you willing to kill a saber-toothed tiger with your bare hands for the child, even as you hold it to your breast, bleary-eyed, at 3am.
Trap two: Breastfeeding melts away all that fat you piled on during pregnancy, at an almost miraculous rate.
Trap three: Then there is the Oxytocin, famously known as the love drug or bonding hormone, you produce whenever you breastfeed. It gives you Stockholm Syndrome. You want to be with your leaky, noisy captor even though you could easily put her down and walk away.
The Mamas have to work really hard to break these bonds, claim some freedom, and enjoy the company of adults outside the home.
Here is my guide to getting you out the house:
Step 1: Get out of your pyjamas.
Step 2: Get yourself a breast pump, to separate yourself from the milk. Don’t go for the cheap ones. You want this to be as quick and comfortable as possible.
Step 3: Sprinkle some milk onto the garments of whoever you leave the baby with, to upgrade them from a Not-the-Mama to The Mama. I know you want to believe the baby loves you most, but it’s not you they love, it’s milk and you smell of milk. They will love anyone who smells of your milk with equal fervour.
Step 4: Pay careful attention. This is the one that trips up novice escapees. Hearing the cries of any infant will cause you to start producing milk. After you have expressed, buying yourself a good few hours of freedom, your plans can be foiled if you happen upon a crying infant. Your breasts will fill up rapidly, soon becoming uncomfortable. So escape to places with a low infant population, like a spa. Or a bar.
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