When you’re afraid to look at your bank balance, for fear of what you might not find, it’s time to make a change for the better. And that begins with seeing the meaning of money in a whole new light
Once I decided not to purchase a single item of clothing for the entire year, not even a pair of undies. This was not because I had a shopping problem. It was because I realised that I had enough garments already.
The cupboards bulged, the drawers sagged. It became a fun challenge, as the months went by and the clothes became increasingly threadbare. I’m proud to say I succeeded in the end.
My wife at the time was relieved when it was over and she could be seen with me again in public. There was a financial benefit too. Having being raised Catholic helped, with the idea of Lenten sacrifice ingrained in me. My early childhood, with Sunday mornings spent in church, also shaped the way I saw money, as something to be given away.
I imagine all religions have similar seasons of paucity and reserve. Now is the time to summon that spirit again.
Now, as I determine to put aside some of my unpredictable earnings for the daughter of a homeless man I have known for years who died recently, who used to do odd jobs for me, and whose daughter I provide school clothes and books for, I am reminded of the power and indeed the necessity of charity again. In 2018, I resolve to be kinder to myself. Charity starts at home. I have become my own project.
A single parent, I have contributed a massive proportion of my unsteady income to children’s maintenance, medical bills, school fees and other expenses over the years.
In 2018 my two oldest children will go with their mother to a school in Germany, where she has found a teaching post, entitling them to a free education for a year, worth a hefty sum. Meanwhile, as I continue to pay my share of their living expenses, I will not pay school fees for a year, for the first time ever. What will I do with this spare cash – that is, if I even earn it?
It’s difficult for a freelancer to budget. There is no set income and expenses often vary. This has inclined me to ignore money as effectively as I can. I don’t often know my bank balance, and only when a payment bounces am I made aware of how low my funds are. Despite or because of this I have become conscientious about what I buy, how much, and at what price.
However, budgeting is a beast that remains alone in a faraway cave. I need to coax it out, and make a frank reckoning of where I want to be, financially, in 10 years’ time. This will take unusual courage.
So I am going to visit a financial planner for help. That’s it – as simple as that. Last year I resolved to sort out my will, which gives me great peace of mind. This year, I will make a long-term financial plan, which includes devoting a portion of my savings to a project for my own development.
Perhaps it will be a bit of further education or a thing that is furthest from my mind right now, and most unlike me. What if my savings were directed towards an unlikely goal? Would that thing not become more possible, and in the purposefulness of this enterprise, give my life extra meaning?
This is the key I have stumbled upon – that finances can give my life meaning. Previously, by ignoring my finances, I have avoided a confrontation with what I want from life, a life that is short and over in a wink. I’m not sure what I want just yet. Perhaps a degree of financial security would be welcome, as even though I ignore my bank balance, money is still something I fret over.
Without my older children’s company, I will have the opportunity to live a more ascetic life. Food costs will plummet. I can rely on simple meals. As the expectations of another year loom, paying attention to finances will change the way I live, and ultimately, who I am. What more could I want from life, but the chance of renewal, and to find meaning?
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