Going back to work after maternity leave, and leaving the twins behind, is never easy. But it’s a vital part of being a working mother, and raising happy children.
I started crying a week before I had to go back to work. After spending four months with my precious twins, I am definitely not one of those mothers who couldn’t wait to go back to work again.
But I always knew I had no choice, if I am going to afford their nappies, formula, clothes and everything else two babies require. Not to mention saving for their education.
The first day back at the office was fantastic. I could make coffee, sit on my chair and drink it hot. I could start and finish a conversation with a colleague. I could have lunch and eat slowly. I could go to the bathroom any time I wanted. The day felt long and uninterrupted.
But the first weeks back at the office were hard. Every time I thought about them I could feel tears surfacing. I worried. I still do.
Even though we have a lovely nanny, I was scared of the not-so-demanding-twin not getting enough love or attention as her brother, who wants to be held so much. I was nervous that they might feel alone.
I was scared they might resent us for not being there all the time. Maybe I was also just worried that they are doing perfectly fine in our absence l, as they are being cared for, changed and fed.
The toughest days are the ones you clock in tired. If one of our babies was awake every hour the night before, it feels like I have a hangover even an oily breakfast can’t cure.
As an unpredictable night like this still unfolds from time to time, I start worrying about my energy levels at midnight already. I am still trying to figure out why everything seems more daunting at night.
Most mornings at 4am or 5am, my sense of humour surfaces again. The trickiest part about any morning is leaving the house. If one or both twins wakes early, I may not manage to shower for two or three hours.
Some days I feel jealous of my nanny, who gets to play with them the whole day. Other days I am delighted to get in my car and have moments alone. I’m even fine with getting stuck in traffic or stopping at the gym to meditate in the steam room. Or think of absolutely nothing in silence.
Later in the day, even rough mornings are long forgotten when I hold my babies again in the afternoon. They smile like I’ve never left. Bless them.
These days we rarely go to bed after 9pm as any given evening presents a mystery box in terms of how much sleep the whole family will get.
I prefer it this way in order to have a new sense of optimism every single day. Recently we were very excited about organising a babysitter so we could go out for dinner.
After spending an hour on the Internet, looking at restaurant menus, my partner said she enjoyed the search for a venue just as much as the actual dinner.
I still laugh when I think of how our social life has changed. These days we celebrate the small things. Putting them to bed at night after what we call the bath concert, even makes me appreciate a glass of wine more.
I treasure the time I do have with my children and I treasure my job that puts me in a position to provide for them.
I’ve been back at work for almost a month and slowly but surely, it does get better. I still miss them, I still can’t wait to see them again and I’m still hoping that they are doing okay today. And tomorrow. And the next day.
As for now, “Maybe tonight they will sleep through” is the same sentence we have been repeating every evening for months. Hope is a marvellous thing. And so are little humans.
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