No, it’s not just because you spend your Saturday afternoons on the couch with your spouse, watching rugby. Although we can reveal that it does have something to do with scrumming. By Sean O’Connor
I used to be married, and I used to play rugby. Although both are over – my marriage days, and my rugby playing days, there was no correlation in their mutual demise. My wife wasn’t a rugby widow, and my rugby-playing preceded her arrival in any case.
But then I played an old game: “Why is a this like a that?” It’s something you can do with your kids, if you have any, or your inner child, on a road trip. Why is a motorbike like an orange? Why is a sardine like a photocopier? Why is marriage like a game of rugby? This is what I came up with – with the benefit of hindsight.
1. You play the ball not the man (or woman)
Life produces its challenges, as predictable as the bounce of a rugby ball. Marriage is no different – but you should learn to read the bounce, anticipate the way the ball will fly, and do your best to hold onto it and go forward. Things change quickly, and you learn that your ability to adapt to change is the strength that defines you, as a team.
2. It takes guts
It takes courage to get married and stay married. Your ideas of who you are will be probably be reinforced and challenged by your partner, and then asked of yourself, in your longer journey together. Sometimes it’s tempting to retire injured rather than digging deep. Marriage is an ordeal, said the wise man, who had been married for a lifetime. So is a game of rugby. But the rewards are immense.
3. You have to tackle things or you’ll both lose
And you have to do so well – which means, no high tackles. Unfair behaviour will get you deservedly sin-binned – and hopefully, forgiven. You need to show bravery too, as you learn take a knock to your ego sometimes, and stand up afterwards, ready for the next challenge – career adjustments, children, ageing parents, friends. Show compassion when you help up the person who tackled you. It’s humbling.
4. You’re in a team
You’re in this thing together, and your skills will both overlap and complement each other’s. You should be able to pass the ball unselfishly to your partner, instead of hogging it for yourself and going for glory – otherwise you’re with the wrong person, or need to change things. Passing the ball, looking for support as well as providing it, in service to your mutual goals, makes marriage unique. It helps prove that your coupledom means that one plus one equals three – the sum of your union is greater than your individual parts.
5. You respect your teammate
This is a given: you respect your teammate enough to pass them the ball, and trust them to catch it. You’ll do all it takes to get them over the line. If they drop the ball, that’s life, you’ll get another chance. We’ve all dropped the ball at some point. We know and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and work on them. We accept each other for all we are: all our shadows and fears, our hopes, our past, our lightness and our dark side, our strengths and weaknesses – everything that is part of us.
6. People root for you
Your friends cheer when you’re happy. They hold thumbs for you when you’re down. You have fans. They can make all the difference. Acknowledge them and keep them close. And cheer for them too – people often say: “My circle of friends has shrunk since I got married.” Maybe it’s just changed. And never forget your Number 1 fan. He or she is right beside you. Even if it’s not always obvious.
7. There’s a final whistle
Some of your behaviours come to an end. Which is an almighty relief. Sure, you might lament their loss, but that’s part of growing up. “As one door is closed, so another shall open,” sang Bob Marley.
8. You need a referee when play breaks down
Sometimes, you’ll need help. You’ll be stuck in a rut and feel like you can’t move forward or back. Couples counselling doesn’t make one of you a winner and another a loser – it helps you restart play together.
9. You play by the rules
A successful marriage is a pact, an agreement, and a shared set of values and beliefs. Only by sharing this do you get along – your expectations have been mediated by each other, you’ve ‘signed up’ for something that enables you to be together. The rules you agree to produce boundaries that keep things healthy and the play going on.
10. You get sweaty in the scrum
‘Nuff said. There’s also lots of grunts and groaning sometimes.
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