Kagiso Msimango worries that she may bear the blame for her wildly wailing brood, until the wisdom of the ages reassures her that today’s criers could be tomorrow’s leaders
Thing 1 was 5 years and 9 months old when Thing 2 was born, because it took half a decade for my broodiness to boldly resurface. You see, Thing 1 was a colicky insomniac.
Did you know that 45 minutes is the length of a single sleep cycle?
Thing 1 did, and she didn’t see the need to sleep any longer, when she could use that time to draw concerned citizens to our door with her wails.
She is almost 6 now, and is still a crier. It turns out that she loves crying. She says so herself, proudly. I bet she’d include it in her Facebook profile if she were on social media.
Armed with the hope that Thing 1’s incessant bawling is a personality quirk, reinforced by a comment I happened upon in a forum, that ‘God never gives you two criers in succession’, I was ready to make another lovelet. It turns out that God does not read the posts on that particular forum, because I now have another crier.
Which is why I have become obsessed with other people’s babies.
The calm ones you see in public, the ones you you can put in a car seat without either of you having a meltdown. The ones that gurgle and play with their toes at restaurants, while their untraumatised parents have dinner. The ones who serenely suck on their dummies while their fresh-faced, well-slept mommies push them leisurely through the mall, shopping for sexy lingerie. You see, these moms, unlike me, are not deathly afraid of feeling sexy, in case it leads to more screaming offspring.
I confessed my guilt over birthing wailing Things to my grandmother. The dad is a very calm guy, while I am pretty high-strung, so I figured it has to be my fault. I should have done preggy yoga or other cortisol-lowering activities. Perhaps I had too many caffeinated drinks during my pregnancies.
Maybe I am just a horrible mother and my Things are crying because there is a no return policy. My grandmother is a mother of six and in her mid-80s, so she must know what she’s talking about, says the crying is a good sign. It shows that my Things are feisty, opinionated, assertive and vocal. In the future they will lead the pack of the currently gurgling, mall-going, car-seat-loving, docile babies. Phew!
If you too have produced a crier, I have found that the following 5 things help:
1. Taking baby to the chiropractor.
2. Applying lavender essential oil.
3. Liberally slugging Rescue Remedy.
4. Avoiding conversations and eye contact with mothers of content babies.
5. Going to your grandmother, any grandmother for a big fat hug and some cooing does wonders.
Sterkte.
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