Marriage Doesn’t Make You One, It Makes You Two of a Kind

Before she became known as an American Idols judge, Paula Abdul was a choreographer turned pop singer. One of her biggest singles was Opposites Attract. Here’s the first verse:

Baby seems we never ever agree

You like the movies and I like TV

I take things serious and you take ’em light

I go to bed early and I party all night

Our friends are sayin’ we ain’t gonna last

Cuz I move slowly and baby I’m fast

We aren’t generally that extreme, but the missus and I are opposites in many ways. She’s the social one, while I am happy on my own, being a bit more introverted. Finding balance and a rhythm hasn’t always been easy but we’ve found our way, with greater understanding of how we each view the world.

When I don’t want to hang out with friends or go off on my own to write, watch football or read, she understands that I need those moments for myself. I am also getting better at getting out and about and doing things. In some ways, she has forced me to be more engaging while I have encouraged her to take time for herself. We are probably more well-rounded individuals as a result of each other’s influence.

Each of us is unique in this world. There may be commonality in spirit and character, but we are different in our own way. I have always struggled with the idea of ‘two becoming one’ in a relationship. When you take two ‘wholes’, I believe you create something larger as opposed to squeezing the two into one ‘space’. I have always seen a relationship as two rings with enough overlap to justify the commitment to building something together.

We still retain our individuality and uniqueness. We still have our own interests and differences. We compromise where necessary to create a life together. It is in our shared values and principles that a relationship thrives. I will never like romantic comedies, and my wife could do without the seemingly pointless action flicks. But our shared view of what it means to be human is what keeps us connected. We don’t always agree on everything, but in the fundamental values there is commonality. That’s all we need. We aren’t One.