Going the extra mile in the workplace can sometimes lead you too far away from your own best interests. That’s when it’s a good time to ask yourself whether there is a difference between self-care, and selfishness
Not too long ago, I left a job with over 80 hours of overtime to my name. Unpaid overtime. I was always trying to help out, to make other people’s lives easier. By the end of that job, I was physically exhausted. All the people pleasing, the fake smiling, the pretending that my energy level was on a high, had taken it out of me.
When I started out working my goal was to do as much as possible to develop my skills, because this would help me climb the ladder, right? Wrong! But when you are young and naïve you think that saying yes to every opportunity is how it should be. So I went with it.
Even when I finally resigned, I questioned whether or not I would be letting anyone down. I really did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. My supervisor at the time even asked me: “Are you leaving because of me, is it something I did?”
I was surprised by the question, because I felt I had been doing so much and giving so much of myself. I thought my supervisor would be happy for me, but she wasn’t. Yet, she knew me best. She knew I was no longer happy being the yes person.
In that moment I wanted to be encouraged. I wanted someone to say, well done, you deserve this opportunity, you have grown.
I no longer wanted to be the person who could be called on at the last minute to fall in for someone else. I no longer wanted to be the person who would take on work someone else was getting paid for, because it did not benefit me. I wanted to be the person people could rely on, but not take advantage of. Not for someone to say, “You don’t have kids, so I am sure you are available”.
I was not growing by taking on more work. I was working myself into a state where all I could think of was work, and how I could do more to help others have more time for themselves.
I had to change this habit. I had to change my yes to no. No, I cannot help out. I have family responsibilities. No I cannot do that, it is not in my job description. No, I cannot, because I receive no thank you for what I do. And no, I cannot, because I am more than just the fall-back person.
In the beginning I said yes to almost every request because I thought it would help me to expand my knowledge and skills. In some ways it did, but it also played against me. As long as I was saying yes, other people around me had more time to focus on their skills, giving them the ability to grow.
I finally got to a point where I needed to be selfish to realise my worth. All the extra time I was putting in was to the benefit of others. My intentions were wrong. I wasn’t doing the extra work for me, so when I didn’t get the ‘reward’ of positive feedback, I felt resentful.
At that point I realised I could change for the better. It made it easier to move on. So My response to the surprising question from my supervisor was: No. I am doing it for myself, for my growth and development, but also to start afresh, to not allow myself to work another 80 hours of unpaid overtime. I am doing this for me, and not to you.
I finally realised it is not about how much time you put in, it is about how much you are able to do with the time you have. This is when you will reap the benefits. When you are not only seen, but heard, when your opinion matters.
When you get to the point where people start thanking your for something you should be doing and you can respond with “this is what I love, this is what I do, no need to thank me”. That is when I will feel I have grown, and I will have owned my skill.
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