Ten surefire ways to crawl through to the end of the year

Sorry to have to break this to you, but we just checked the calendar, and it looks like it’s still November. The most gruelling, slowly-moving month of the year. But don’t worry, because we’ve got a plan to help you make it through to the other side.

I know. You are on your knees. So am I. How do we get all the way to the end of the year, without finding ourselves snivelling in the foetal position come January 1 – never the optimum way to start the whole ‘New Year, New You’ magazine-perky stage of the sun cycle?

The answer: with difficulty. And a significant amount of corner-cutting. But fear not, my tired friends. We’ve got this.

1. Have medium-sized children? Great. Make them do all of the things, even if it means instructing them carefully from the couch, on a task by task basis. Yes, they have also had a difficult year, but family means no one gets left behind. And that includes parents.
2. Make sure no household task is too complicated to be performed by a medium-sized child. Supper, for example. Cereal is a perfectly acceptable dinner option. You’ll be surprised how well Coco Pops go with a punchy Merlot.
3. Nap whenever, wherever possible. If you have children, you may want to lock yourself in the bathroom with a pillow. If you live in Cape Town, it’ll give your bath a new lease on some life: your hidey hole.
4. If you’ve been actioning anything on this list so far, chances are you may be receiving some judgemental looks from your mother, family or peers. Hold firm. My plan is to say ‘Mindfulness is key to Balance’ backed by a significant, knowing and slightly condescending pause. Also, ‘Bog off’. (I’m trying it out as my insult de jour.)
5. Grocery shopping can be done from within your bath hidey hole.
6. The private aisles of Woolies Online do not judge online carts filled exclusively with milk, Coco Pops, Merlot, Chuckles and ‘Ready to Eat’ meals.
7. Water is a precious and scare resource. It is irresponsible to do a lots of washing, so get used to wearing what you left on the floor last night and using damp towels. Hey presto, you have halved the time you spend doing laundry!
8. ‘Tis the season for light filing at work, not big meaty projects that require significant thoughts, complicated pivot tables and Smart Art-festooned PowerPoint. Got a document on your laptop called New Processes? It’s perfectly appropriate to spend 5 minutes considering whether that should be filed in the My Documents folder, or in the more daringly named Stuff. Then to celebrate the decision with a well-deserved coffee.
9. It’s also the time to abandon the copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses you have been pretentiously trying to read all year. November is the month of the bodice ripper, or if you are not historically inclined, the ‘a woman moves to beach town to find herself, and finds love’ motif is perfectly suitable. Try find one with extra large type, those are super.
10. Your body is already a beach body.

Sorted? Sorted. See you on the other side.