If you can’t make it to the stadium, you’d better make sure the home game is just as good. And that means taking care to prepare the best snacks you can find, whatever the score may turn out to be. By Dale Ferreira
I have had bleak days in my life. Once, I had a cupcake shoved up my nose because of an argument with my brother over who could have the last one. Let’s just say it escalated faster than you can say “red velvet”. I also once had to sit under a desk on the side of North Rand Road in Boksburg to protect myself from the rain, because my father failed to come and pick me up after conning me into selling second-hand office furniture.
But nothing compares to the time I went to watch rugby at my mate’s girlfriend’s house. She was vegan.
We’re all quick to give advice as to how we should eat, so I thought I should weigh in on what is appropriate to serve before and during a rugby match. This does not include any form of cooking meat. The only acceptable way to eat meat during a test match is to braai it.
If you have a mate who promises to braai your meat at half time, he is not your mate. He is some guy who knows less about the time it takes to cook meat than he does about the nuances of the half time break.
The most important of all the snacks is biltong, but you already knew this. What you didn’t know is the importance of biltong delivery. Before I carry on, droëwors is not biltong. If you think they’re the same thing, you’re likely to compare box wine with Graham Beck. I know nothing about wines, so let’s carry on.
Biltong should be delivered in stages. It should be rationed. Biltong during rugby is finished quicker than a new Harry Potter novel at a primary school. So make the error of poor biltong delivery at your peril. And leave the droëwors wherever you like – you’re going to have a lot left over.
All chips are acceptable, except Fruit and Chutney. The inventors of this flavour came up with it while drinking and throwing tiles in the air with names of flavours landing together, and then laughing about it. If I’m not mistaken, fruit basically is chutney, so what are we eating here? You don’t get salt and salt chips or jam and fruit Lays. It’s senseless and bit irresponsible. Don’t get any flavour with any Mexican reference either, not everyone orders the Vindaloo.
If you’re willing to go the extra mile and put together some pastries, be prepared for high praise. When you’ve had a week of low carb diets, there is nothing lovelier than a sausage roll smashed in your face as you scream at your team.
If you’re willing to do that, remember that with high praise comes high responsibility. Your house will become the house to watch rugby at, and you’ll be expected to put on that kind of performance again. Rugby fans are creatures of habit, especially habits that include carbohydrates and raw meat.
Even as you stand and vacuum pastry crumbs from your 50%-off Persian carpet, you’ll smile and realise that you’ve put on the perfect rugby picnic. You’ll stop and understand that all you really have left is a lager stain on the couch, an irritated wife, and a mass of droëwors.
Leave a Reply