Love is all around us. At least, the lessons we can learn about love are everywhere. We just need to know what to look for.
Here are the Nine Love Commandments that I’ve found in some surprising and some not-so-surprising places.
Thou shalt not make grand gestures
This commandment comes straight from Hollywood, where boys are taught that to win the girl, you need to make a giant public display of affection.
The GOAT of the rom-com grand gesture is Heath Ledger serenading Julia Stiles with Frankie Valli’s Can’t Take My Eyes Off You in 10 Things I Hate About You.
A charm-oozing Heath interrupts a football practice, grabs a microphone and sings and dances on the stands with the backing of the school’s marching band. It’s a goofy declaration of undying love.
But unless you are as dreamy as Heath Ledger (spoiler alert, you’re probably not), the grand gesture is something we must unlearn.
An over-the-top, one-off public proclamation makes you the centre of attention, but what truly matters are small, thoughtful acts that show you are always there for your partner.
We must turn to another film, Fargo, for our lesson in love. Norm wakes up early to “fix” some eggs for his heavily pregnant wife, Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand). “Ya gotta eat a breakfast, Margie,” he tells her.
It’s such a gentle gesture that demonstrates how much he cares for her. Unless you are as charming as Heath Ledger (again, you’re probably not – sorry), be Norm. Small everyday gestures are always more romantic.
Thou shalt not murder thy garden
There are relationship killers around every corner: work demands, financial pressures, family stress, previous relationships. The list goes on.
Here we look to our garden for the lesson and cheesy metaphor. Just as plants need daily water, not a flood once a month, relationships need consistent small acts of care.
Forget to water your tomatoes for a week, and they’ll wilt. Forget to check in with your partner for a week and… well, same result. You can’t neglect something all winter and expect it to bloom in spring.
Thou shalt commit
It’s important to commit to a relationship and then keep committing to it, every day. Not just the big ‘I do’ moment, but the small ‘I will’ moments.
I will listen when you’re venting about your annoying boss for the umpteenth time. I will pick up milk without being asked. I will not roll my eyes when you want to watch Trevor Noah again.
Commitment isn’t a one-time decision. It’s choosing your person every morning, even on the mornings when they’ve used up all the hot water in the shower.
Thou shalt keep laughing
That means laughing with each other, not at each other. Humour is a key ingredient of relationship longevity.
It helps you shrug off the irritation that comes with sharing a life with a fellow human being (like someone who “accidentally” uses up the hot water). It also conveys tenderness.
Thou shalt not believe in a soulmate
Happily-ever-after films have been responsible for numerous love myths that we would do well to unlearn. None more so than the soulmate nonsense.
This Hollywood humdinger has led romantic hopefuls on wild goose chases as they scour the 8.2 billion people on the planet for The One. The idea that we have a predestined soulmate and that fate will conquer all creates unrealistic expectations.
And while you are waiting for your one to magically complete you, a perfectly good partner might slip through your fingers.
This time, we turn to music for the love lesson: “And if you can’t be with The One you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”
The lesson is to find happiness in the present, with the person beside you.
Thou shalt have crosswords…but not cross words
Crosswords teach us patience, problem-solving, and approaching issues from different angles. They also encourage you to look beyond the obvious, helping you see your partner’s perspective.
Then comes the crossword’s “aha!” moment – when you crack a difficult clue. The joy of discovering new things about a partner is that “aha!” moment.
So, more crosswords, fewer cross words – and celebrate every solved puzzle together.
Thou shalt be feline groovy
Cats teach us that sometimes, healthy love means your partner will ignore you for six hours straight but still expect you to make them dinner – and that’s not a catastrophe.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass
Enough said.
And, finally, thou shalt believe in dog
Good boys are sent to Earth to teach us about love. Nothing on Earth loves more fiercely and unconditionally than a dog.
They don’t hold back; they show affection freely and are genuinely excited to see their special person, whether it’s after five hours, five minutes, or even five seconds. They forgive instantly, hold no grudges, and don’t love you any less on your bad days. Good boys don’t care how much money you earn, the car you drive, or your fashion sense. They love you just as you are. Imagine bringing that level of unconditional love into your relationship.