As your children move through their toddler years to their teens you could find yourself wondering where you went. But before long you’ll discover who you are again. By Janine Dunlop
Does having children make you boring, irrelevant, and ignorable? That’s what I read on a blog the other day, and it made me think. Science has proven that pregnancy, birth and motherhood actually changes the brain. The stimulation of constantly thinking about feeding, protecting and nurturing your newborn increases the size of your neurons and improves memory. Not only that, but you take on some of your baby’s cells while pregnant, in a process known as “microchimerism”.
Like it or not, your body won’t be the same, and you won’t be the same. You’ll change. But will it make you boring? I was on bedrest for the last three months of my first pregnancy. Because the pregnancy was precarious, I immersed myself in what was happening to my baby and my body.
When my son was born and my reality was a pile of nappies and a sea of newborn tears, I was submerged in the minutiae of life with a baby and found it difficult to think about anything else.
So yes, boring and irrelevant might be who you are for a while. But eventually, you emerge from that stage.
I struggled to fall pregnant. I had just turned 30 when we had our first baby. I have no doubt that I would have been a different mom at 26 to what I was at 30. I’m also certain that I’m a different mom now, three kids and 16 years later, to what I was when I was just starting out. Firstly, I’ve grown up.
The difference between 26 and 46 is not just the number of years. Being newly married and child-free is worlds away from being divorced and a mom of three. As parents, we go through phases along with our children. As they grow, we learn to parent.
I remember the pre-pregnancy stage, when I read everything I could get my hands on about parenting. My aim was to be an “expert”. Then there was the newborn phase, when I was getting to know not only the new person I had birthed, but the new role I had taken on.
There the toddler phase, when all I could think about was having some time alone, away from the constant refrain of “I want!” and “No!”. Then the Martha Stewart phase, when I chose to believe that anything I hadn’t lovingly handcrafted meant I was a bad parent, followed by the schooling phase, when I had to get to grips with the rules of engagement with teachers, school fundraising, and sports events.
Throw into the mix the playdates phase, when it suddenly and dishearteningly became clear that I was to become my kids’ taxi driver, the tween phase, when slamming doors became the norm in our house, and the teenager phase, when the buying of longer pants was the top priority, month after month, and it becomes clear that my children and I have grown and evolved over the past 16 years.
Now I’m in a phase of accepting motherhood for what it is. A series of changes, happening to me and my children. I talk a lot about my children. I brag about them on Facebook. I take vicarious pleasure in their achievements. I probably bore some people. But over time, I’ve come back to who I am. I’m studying. I have a rewarding career. The way I chose to parent 16 years ago is different to how I do it now. Who I was then is not who I am now. Am I boring and irrelevant? I seriously doubt it.
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