To the outsider, the carefree, casual life of the confirmed bachelor may look like bliss. Behind the scenes we’re usually tripping over dirty dishes and battling to match our socks
A little over three years ago, I decided it was time to grow up and be adult about life. I was nearly 40, after all.
I packed a bag and moved to Cape Town and got a big adult responsible job handling corporate communications and social media. On weekends my new friends and I would do grown up things like eat out in respectable establishments, enjoy long walks on the beach, and occasionally take in a burlesque show.
But it’s good now and then to take a step back and see if everything is still on track. My critical analysis reveals a few handy signs that you and your other bachelor-type friends can use to gauge if they’re ‘adult’-ing OK.
I’ve broken them into categories so you will know which areas of your bachelor life are flying, or in need of some levelling-up:
The Menu:
* If your breakfast options include “eat this before it goes off”, it’s not going hundreds.
* If, on more than three occasions in the week, your dinner options are pizza takeout or drive-thru meals, you’re slacking.
* If you have 6 different luxury pasta sauces in the cupboard, but no pasta to put them on, you could be doing better.
* If the only fruit in your kitchen is in the form of chewy candy or the scent of unopened dish-washing liquid, it’s a sign you could be eating a lot healthier.
* If your dinner choice is decided by what pots and pans are clean, or need the least amount of scouring, scraping and scrubbing, it’s not going well.
* If your retail chain loaf of white toaster bread sports a harder crust than artisanal sourdough from a boutique bakery, you probably need to pay attention to expiry dates.
Dress Code:
* If you buy new underwear rather than do the laundry, you need some domesticating.
* If you wear different socks not because you’re quirky, but because it’s been a while since you’ve been able to match any two socks in the pile of laundry, you probably need some self-care guidance.
* If you’re proclaiming “Every day should be casual day!” at the office, mostly because the comic tee you’re wearing was the least creased and funky-smelling shirt closest to the top of the pile of laundry, then yes, you could be doing better at this bachelor thing.
* If your main reason for not doing the laundry has shifted from laziness to fear for the things that may be crawling in the bottom of the pile, friend, it’s really not going well.
Home-style:
* If you have 62 toilet rolls not because you suffer from a bowel problem or OCD, but because you forgot you bought a pack of 36 a week ago, and the week before that, and the toilet rolls are stored in at least four different cupboards around the house, this is not a good sign.
* If you never open your curtains because that would mean you have to clean up first, because what would the neighbours say, this is a loud signal that you need to up your bachelor game.
* If your kitchen tiles have a completely different colour to when you first moved in not because of your interior decorating savoir-faire, but because of the mini Baby Bel cheese wax you’ve dropped and ground into the tile grouting, you need to sort that stuff out, guy.
* If you spend most of your time in the bedroom not because you are exhausted from overwork or have romantic seduction on your mind, but because you can hide there from dishes that need to be done, well, guess what, you’re not bacheloring too well.
* And if your pile of dishes has spilled over into the dining room, this too is not a great endorsement of your bachelor skills.
Note: these handy hints are the result of a lot of research I did, speaking to bachelor friends. They are not my bachelor problems at all. I’m doing quite well, thanks for asking. I’m just finishing this column before finding something else to distract me from the lunch dishes. Last week’s lunch dishes.
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