There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who do resolutions, and those who don’t. I am a resolver. I take my resolutions so seriously that I write them down in my journal, do a vision board, and look for an accountability partner to check up on my progress.
I wish my young charges were as committed to their self-improvement. This is what I wish their 2015 resolutions would look like.
Thing 1
* I resolve to use mommy’s preferred title “The Head B in Charge” when I address her and when I talk about her. (I also resolve to not ask mommy what the “B” stands for.)
* I resolve to stop watching those YouTube clips of the American housewife who reviews toys. They have led to me affecting an accent. Sounding like a disturbingly cheery Texan woman leads to people judging the HBIC.
* I resolve to eat a lot less on play dates. Again, it makes the HBIC look bad.
* I resolve to do as the HBIC says not as she does. Imitating her makes her look bad.
* I resolve to stop asking the HBIC to prove her claims by demanding that she “Google it and show me”. If she says there is an ancient toenails-eating creature called Kreacher-Kreacher living at the bottom of the garden, I will accept it. Google does not know everything.
* I resolve to stop counting the amount of times the HBIC has used a bad word. This tends to lead to an increase in their quantity and variety.
* I resolve to stop biting Thing 2, even if she continues to bite me.
* I resolve to pick my fights with more care. It’s not right that the HBIC had to get pet medical aid just to afford the many fights I’ve lost.
* I resolve to eat the birds I hunt, instead of leaving them by the HBIC’s feet. This way my expensive cat food for felines with sensitive skin and a single brain cell will last longer.
* I resolve to stop napping on the HBIC’s pillow. I leave my fur on the pillow; it ends up on her head, which makes her think she is greying. This is apparently a very bad thing for her to think first thing in the morning.
Thing 2
* I resolve to stop biting my housemates.
* I resolve to start biting daddy. My standards are extremely low. I will put pretty much anything in my mouth. Behaving like he is the only thing I consider inedible is apparently very bad for his ego.
* I resolve to stop hunting for food. If I insist on catching my own food, I will ask Catdog to teach me how to kill it before I ingest it. Food that crawls around in my mouth traumatizes me so.
* I resolve to take my growth seriously. Being of below average height and weight makes the HBIC look bad at the baby clinic.
* I resolve to stop calling inanimate objects “papa” in daddy’s presence. Apparently this too is bad for his ego.
* Happy New Year! If you do nothing else, make sure your children understand that their primary purpose is to make you look good and keep your ego afloat.
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