Is there anything as laden with potential faux pas as the office party? I don’t think so. All the other scary events that spring to mind, such as meeting the Queen or attending a State dinner, come with the assumption that an advisor is going to give you some pointers first. Not so with the office party.
Then it’s just you, your common sense, and your courage.
I don’t think we admit to ourselves how scary the average corporate office party can be.
When I was still a baby attorney, back in the 90s, our law firm used to plow through such basic problems as timidity in the following way. First, we would go out to a restaurant client for big slap-up lunch. A restaurant client that owed us money.
Our managing partner would tell us all to eat crayfish and order as many expensive drinks as possible. After a full afternoon of corporate gluttony, he’d sign the bill with a flourish, but no credit card.
‘Um, sir? How are you going to settle the bill?’ the waiter would stammer.
‘With that signature. Tell your boss that he’ll get his payment when I get mine.’
Is it any surprise I don’t practice law any more?
The same firm also used to invite clients to join our party for drinks, but only after lunch. This was a terrible, terrible idea. You were almost contractually obliged to get hammered (‘Finish that Johnny Blue! This guy owes us money!’), and then once you were… your clients arrived from their jobs, ready to ask you complicated legal questions. It was a DISASTER.
Most office parties aren’t quite that bad. A theme, a catered meal, an open bar and a lot of awkward small talk… all pretty standard. It’s only once the 80s music kicks in and Pete from Accounts starts buying shots that things start going pear-shaped. (There is ALWAYS a Pete from Accounts.)
Because, truthfully? You might be feeling awkward, but Dutch courage is the last thing you need right now. This is not a safe space to get drunk in, people. And you know this. You’re still cringeing for Rachel from PR at last year’s bash when someone dared her to stick her tongue in the boss’s ear – AND SHE DID.
So, Rule No.1: Don’t get slammed. Rule No.2: If you do get slammed, make sure that you are never more than the second drunkest person at the party. Because, no one remembers the second most embarrassing person, do they?
Be safe out there, people. And book your taxi early.
Image: IgorGolovniov / Shutterstock.com
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