Children are weird, but parents are even weirder

Is parenthood a form of authoritarianism, or does it work best as a democracy? For Sam Wilson, it’s more like negotiated anarchy.

We’re often described as ‘weird’ parents. I find that strange, as those who say this usually don’t ask us to explain our parenting style… or even to introduce our kids. It seems that rule-based or ‘normal’ parenting is so ubiquitous, anything else is strange and suspicious.

[one_half padding=”10px 20px 10px 0px”]‘Do YOU think we’re weird parents?’ I once asked our sons, driving them home from school. ‘No,’ said Josef, our eldest, ‘but then, you are the only parents we have. So it’s kind of a meaningless question.’ (Being unusual parents doesn’t protect us from building smart-arses…)

But why is the world so big on parenting rules and the art of conforming? Yes, we need to protect our kids from harm – but not from thinking and questioning. These are such crucial components of each person’s sense of self, how can we not make that our main parenting focus?

This doesn’t mean chaos should rule; we just prefer to focus on respect and build everything out from there. Children are not feral. They don’t need to be ‘civilised’. They’re just smaller and less experienced. To help them build a personal moral code, you need to respect that code as it develops, and not just super-impose your own.

So our sons, Josef and Benjamin, don’t have to ‘obey their parents’. We have rules, but the boys are not ‘living under our roof’… it’s our family home, so our rules are made together. Who decided only parents have good ideas?

We have had a handwritten list stuck to the fridge of our 10 (recently 11) Family Rules.[/one_half]

[one_half_last padding=”10px 0px 10px 20px”]We came up with them together, and they include helping those smaller than you, not hurting people or animals, not staying mad with each other… and also not buying lions.

(Our younger son Benj was six at the time, and canned lion hunting was really upsetting him. The rest of us let it make the list as hey, it’s always nice to know you’ve got one rule you’ll never break.)

What does parenting without grown-up rules feel like?

First, there’s a lot of everyday voting. (‘When should bedtime be? What are we having for dinner? How much screen time are we all allowed?’) A lot of voting means a LOT of negotiation, compromise and practical debate (‘But if bedtime were 3 am, how would you stay awake at school?’). It also means you live not only knowing your opinion is respected, but that it counts in the world.

As with all parenting styles, ours evolves as our family grows… and we’d never DREAM of saying this is the only way to bring up kids.

Every family is different, and mine – especially from afar – is downright weird. I’m looking forward to telling you more about it.[/one_half_last]

• How do you set up rules and boundaries in your family? Please share your insights below.