A chance encounter with a reality show recently made me rethink my marriage and the issue of masculinity within the home. It stopped me in my tracks and made me realise anew that not all masculinity is toxic. It’s inspired this raging women’s rights activist to want to change some of my bad habits.
And who would have thought five gay men would change my view of masculinity and make me appreciate my husband more? It also gave this activist a much needed bit of breathing space. In a world of #MeToo stories raining down on us, and years of toxic masculinity threatening to break our world, it’s refreshing to get this reprieve from my feelings.
Queer Eye (QE) follows the FabFive around Donald Trump’s America as they pamper straight men who have been nominated by their friends and family. The pamper sessions are oh-so indulgent but most importantly, they help them get in touch with their emotions, learn how to up their intimacy game and let them know it’s okay to show your vulnerabilities as a man without losing your masculinity.
The FabFive all have their area of expertise.Tan (wardrobe), Jonathan (grooming), Antoni (cooking), Bobby (interior design) and Karamo (culture). So it’s not just about stuffing a man in a new wardrobe and sending him on his way.
It’s been fascinating to see my husband and son really get into this show. And this led me to a surprising realisation. I have a really cool husband (this is not the realisation), but if one looked at our home, there’s not much of his personality and preferences.
And come on, it’s his home too. Us women are quick to call men out for minimising us and not giving us our share of the space, but how many of us actually give our partners their spot in the home, besides the predictable shed in the garden?
After watching my husband’s interaction with this show, I’m reminded that straight men (the good ones, anyway) deserve to also have their spot in the sun. It’s so heartwarming to see these men on QE come into their own after being shown how they can have the best of both: the wife’s taste and preferences and theirs. They absolutely glow and it’s heartwarming to see a man be proud of his entire house, and not just the shed that he’s been relegated to.
I’ve decided to stop being such a Stormin’ Norman and I’m trying really hard to not fall into my old habits of abusing my veto powers. What is that saying about with great power comes great responsibility? So as part of my new good wife routine, I’m now more of a mindful wife. Slow wife, if you want to go with the foodie trends. And this is how I’m changing my bad habits to good ones.
Food: Elton loves Mexican food. To death. I’ve decided to send him variations of his favourite dishes instead of moaning about nachos or chilli con carne again. I send it with a simple “have you seen this?” instead of a flat out NOT MEXICAN AGAIN tonight please.
Fashion: Before his rare disease diagnosis, my husband worked in IT and loved dressing smartly. I tend to tease him when he’s looking at tailored jackets and smart shirts because he’s a stay-at-home dad and we could use that money for other things. I loved seeing him being interested in what Tan has to say about trends and dressing for your body. Elton has even started wearing his shirts and tees with Tan’s famous French Tuck, because little beer boep! I’ve started encouraging him to dress up when he feels like it and saying yes to events where he can dress up and show off his style.
Grooming: He has a beard, I love his beard to a certain length, he used to love going for grooming treats at the salon but we can no longer afford that. Instead of telling him to “cut that off”, I now keep an eye out for specials on male grooming products and send it to him to check it out. And having a nice-smelling, soft beard kissing you is way better than a rough beard anyway.
Home: I’ve just recently decided to change our lounge colours from mostly sandy colours to shades of grey and informed him halfway through the process. I’ve stopped now and asked him if he has any colours or ideas he’d like to incorporate. I’ve seen some Pinterest boards he’s saved and I’m sure he’ll share it with me when he’s ready. Until then, I have to get used to a lounge in transition.
Culture: Ah and there’s the sport. Rugby, golf, cricket. I’ve made a decision to stop moaning about him watching the rugby AGAIN and to sit with him and learn why he’s so passionate about it. I feel like there’s this whole side of him I don’t really know about because I just tune out or moan about him going to watch sport again.
I’m not too far into this journey of listening more and encouraging my husband to own his spot in our home and lifestyle. I’m not saying I’m going to go back to those 1950s Good Housekeeping style wives, but I tend to want and have things my way and somewhere along the line I neglected the most important man in my life.
Let’s just say the attention and consideration I’ve been giving the husband has paid off. I feel like I’m dating the dishy guy in IT again and it’s done wonders for our marriage and home. Yass Queen, as Jonathan of the FabFive would say!
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