Why I took my love for rugby to a marriage counsellor

We all know that rugby is so much than a game. It’s a way of life and love, and for the truly dedicated fan, it can feel just like a marriage. But even the most lively and love-filled marriages need a bit of reboot,  and a session of professional help, every now and again.

Marriage is forever, they said. “I do!” are the words that bind you to your chosen life-mate for the rest of your lives. These two words change everything. They symbolise your utmost desire to be forever tied to this person, no matter what circumstances may come.

Why, then, is the divorce rate making like the Bitcoin price did towards the end of 2017, going up, and up some more? Perhaps a strange topic to ponder in February, the month of love, but I find myself in an uncomfortable relationship quandary.

I said my “I do” way back in 1979. I remember it like it was yesterday – it was the day “Pop-Pop” gave me my first ever pure leather Super Springbok ball – the one with the bladder that turns into a mango pip in the rain. Next year, the year of the Japan Rugby World Cup, I will celebrate the 40^th anniversary of my marriage to rugby!

Forty years! As with any normal marriage, we have had our ups and downs. But mostly, it has been one big, magnificent high, the most recent example being watching my laaitie put in a few big hits for his school U9 side.

Of late, though, the relationship has gotten a smidgen more rocky than usual. Allister Coetzee had the Boks licking the dregs off the bottom of a particularly rotten barrel. Players are jumping ship faster than investors offloaded Steinhoff shares.

A knitting convention draws more fans than a Super Rugby game. Officialdom continues to look like a gravy train intent on lining their own pockets rather than those of the game. And transformation remains a political football instead of a grass roots restructure aimed at developing new talent.

All in all, it’s a bit messy out there. While it’s normal to have disagreements in a healthy marriage, the experts reckon they can be hard to overcome. Intervention, they say, can make all the difference in saving a marriage, or letting the ship sink.

So having both admitted to being in need of said intervention, yet wanting to remain committed to each other, we took ourselves off to a marriage counsellor.

It was all a little uncomfortable as the overly sweet counsellor showed us to the couches. But then it was down to business …

Trust

Trust is the foundation on which a healthy marriage is built. Do you still trust rugby? Has rugby ever done anything to lose your trust?

• Players need to make the most of a short stint at the helm, so seeing them chase cash I can understand. It’s the officials putting self-interest ahead of that of the game that I can’t take. And there is still plenty of that around. Bring in a constitution that speaks to the professional era (instead of asking turkeys to vote for Christmas) and the privatisation of franchises.

Happiness

Marriage means thinking about the other person before yourself. When was the happiest period of time in your marriage, and what about it did you enjoy?

• Being fortunate enough to play under Basil Bey in two of the most successful school sides of all time. That and our “Klein Saterdag” sessions on a Wednesday after what was usually a pretty physical Ikey Tigers practice run by Alan Solomons. It’s the great friendships that rugby allows one to forge that I love.

Stress

Learning what stresses you and your spouse is the first step in handling your stress together. Do you feel you can come home to rugby after a stressful day and feel better?

• I do! But mostly, it’s to do with the amateur side of the game. Be it to a morning game in which my laaitie is playing, or to an Ikey practice where I look after the scrum, or settling into the False Bay pub to watch them defend their Gold Cup title. It’s the pro game that worries me!

Intimacy

Intimacy is important in making sure your spouse is your closest companion. Do you feel like rugby listens to you when you speak?

• I tell you what, SA Rugby could do a whole lot better in the “listening to fans” department. And a whole lot better at the stadium experience. I think they take us for granted.

Faithfulness

If there is a concern of infidelity, discussing it is key to moving on. Have you ever thought about seeing someone else?

• I love hacking my way round a golf course, and coming last in a triathlon with my Cheerful Chunky mates is fun. Water polo is a jol when fit, and while I can dent a couch in front of almost anything except soccer, rugby is far and away my first love.

Our Future

Discussing the future will help you realise what you both want. Where would you like to see the two of you a year or two from now?

• I hope to see the amateur arm of the game continue to go from strength to strength, because that is where most people enjoy their first brush with the sport. And I hope to see the professional arm of the game learn from it, understanding that it serves the fan, not the other way round.

Will we make it, rugby and me? Who knows? Marriage is hard, but at least we have admitted to needing outside help – perhaps the hardest part of the process. I think we have established that we are both still in love, and care for each other, but that there is work to be done.