Being an adult is never easy. So many demands, so many responsibilities, so little time. That’s why it’s more important than ever to take time out, and get to discover the real you, even if that discovery sometimes leave you in snot en trane.
Taking time out is essential to everyone’s well-being. The more adulting you do, the more crucial time-out becomes. I am what people term a strong black woman. I know these women come in various hues, not just black.
Basically it’s a label for uber-adulters, not to be confused with adulterers. Uber-adulters have no time to be adulterous. They are more likely to get to the rendezvous spot, curl up in a foetal position and pass out for eight hours straight, or organise their emails. Such women are constantly applauded.
We are thanked, right after God, at awards ceremonies like the Oscars, Grammies, Olympics, and graduations. These speeches usually highlight that said woman, often the mother, occasionally a grandmother or aunt, did a lot for her charge despite daunting odds. We are the role models of the role models. Women who make mountains seem like molehills. We thrive where others barely survive. Apparently, there is very little we cannot do.
If you are an uber-adulter you’ll know that this is a hard and exhausting pedestal to perch on. So, periodically, we run away: to the spa for a day, the mountains for a weekend, Bali for a month. Just to put some distance between us and the demands, responsibilities and PR of being an uber-adulter.
Alas, wherever you go, there you are. You can’t exactly run away from your duties because you take your mind with you, and it seldom lets you forget about all the people, things and lists that depend on you not lazying about like a mortal. So instead of enjoying your time-out, you find yourself wrestling with guilt and a rising sense of panic.
It is impossible for an uber-adulter to escape her responsibilities, unless you have mastered the art of meditation and can therefore tell your mind to shut it. Meditation is hard to master. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. Wine works. Well with wine it is more the befuddling of the mind than a quieting. Lucky for us, I discovered a time-out hack.
I had two experiences which made me realise that what I needed was not time away, but something simpler, albeit not necessarily easier. The first occurred at a talk by an elderly Native American woman. She could’ve been 80 or 108. She had an ancient calm and wisdom about her.
After the talk, I joined a queue of people who had questions for her. At the end of our conversation she gave me a hug. My response was to burst into tears and start sobbing uncontrollably. She continued to hold me until my crying subsided. By the time I managed to pull myself together, her shoulder was soggy with my snot en trane.
I made a beeline for my car, in absolute shock. I had no idea why I’d cried. The content of the talk was not at all emotional and I couldn’t even blame it on PMS, so I decided to file the episode in my WTF? folder.
A few years later I was at a shamanic “ayahuasca” ceremony. The shaman running the ceremony, clearly a perceptive woman, instructed one of her apprentices to “Come sit over here and hold her. Don’t talk, and do not get attached to any particular response, just hold her.”
He did as he was told, and held me for what could’ve been 15 minutes or an hour. It felt too long and too short. Initially I held on to myself as he held me. As the minutes elapsed ever so slowly, I gave up relaxed my body, unclenched my muscles, opened my heart and allowed him to truly hold me and contain me on as many levels as I knew how to relax.
It was such a foreign state, not needing to be strong. Being soft and fully supported. This was exactly what I had gotten from the old woman’s hug that had me wailing.
Once I connected the dots, I started recommending this hug therapy to many of my uber-adulting clients. What do you do for a woman who can do it all, faster and better? You hold her.
I’ve subsequently discovered that professional cuddling has become a thing. You can pay a qualified professional cuddler around R1,000 an hour just to hold you. There is merit in this. You may have many loving adults willing to hold you for an entire hour, but chances are they may not be able to do it without being invested in an outcome.
They probably need you to feel loved, comforted, protected, appreciated, turned on and so on. Which means they are still asking something of you. When you are held, without expectation, you can truly tune out.
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