The bachelor party has changed over the years, and has become, for the most part, a civilised affair.
I’m not sure anything can prepare you as that big weekend lands. There is loads of advice I could give you, to give you the edge to bachelor party survival. Instead, I’m going to impart my advice on the key characters you should be looking out for when you attend a bachelors.
It’s for you to decide who you want to partner with. Think of it as an American prison, where you have to make a wise decision about which gang is going to offer you the best protection – or the night of your life.
The Singles
The most boring of the lot. They’re easy to find. They’re probably somewhere near the iPod, complaining about the choice of music. They’re normally turning off Vanilla Ice to play some hipster band no one knows about.
The First Timers
You can find the “first-timers” loitering around the organisers, asking when the strippers are going to arrive, over and over. They’re pimply, pubescent and will probably pass out. No-one ever tells them that the novelty of having strippers at bachelors died with any chance of Right Said Fred recording another hit single.
Fathers
At a bachelors, fathers of young children, as if watching their behaviour day on day condones it, turn into children. They’re the underbelly of the bachelor party. They’re easily recognisable the next morning, because they haven’t slept. They don’t need to. Years of child-induced sleep deprivation has rendered them incapable of sleeping, but perfectly effective at partying the hardest. They also don’t know when the next opportunity to go off the rails like this will be, again. They force friends to get married, just so they can have a bachelors.
The Work Friends
You can spot the work friends because they’re weird. Even though they’re not part of the in-crowd, they still laugh hardest at the jokes they don’t get. Work friends, for some reason, aren’t anything like they are at work when they’re in a social environment.
They become overtly perverse, strangely unsympathetic and awkwardly aggressive. I’m sure this isn’t every guy you work with, but this is a guy who I work with, to a tee. I’m sorry if this offends you, Mike.
The Filthy Uncle
See first timers.
That Guy
In every instance in your life you’re doing everything you can not to be “that guy.” At a work function, a wedding or even a nightclub. The worst place that you want to become that guy is a bachelors, because at a bachelors that guy becomes a target. That guy goes home in the neck brace, plaster of paris on his arms, and a lot of explaining to do. You avoid being that guy at all costs. I can’t give you advice on how not to be that guy, because if you aren’t, then I could be. It’s a numbers game.
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I’m sure this has been helpful. If not, well, best of luck. I have my bachelors in a couple of months and I’m going in more prepared than a boy scout before a social occasion involving girls. I know what my mates are like and anything less than the best is a felony, or I’m going to need lots of ice, ice baby.
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