Adding an extra level of noise and joy to a household already filled with children, little Leo has found love and given love to his adoptive family in Cape Town. Harry and Candice Verwey tell their story of adopting to change, and loving it.
We have four beautiful and spirited children. Our eldest, Gemma, is creative and feisty. She just turned six. Our second eldest, Kelsey, will be five in May. She’s a sweet and sensitive child, but you don’t want to cross her. Zac just turned three. He’s an adorable and loving little guy. Leo will be two in April.
He’s a high-energy toddler with a good sense of humour and a zest for life. It’s a crazy, busy, noisy household. We have a lot of fun, in between all the screaming and hair pulling.
After three biological children, Gemma, Kelsey and Zac, we decided to adopt. Adoption had always been in our thoughts. After we had our third child, Zac, we felt like the time was right to proceed. We wanted our kids to grow up together.
We were moved to action by the heart-breaking reality that so many children do not have someone to wipe away their tears, read them a bedtime story, laugh with them, love them and nurture them. We heard a preacher a few years ago and the core message was: ‘Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.’ That was a defining moment for us. It settled adoption in our hearts.
As for the process itself, there are two options: you can use the services of a private adoption agency or go through the state. The process with a private social worker is quicker, easier and more expensive. We contacted a social worker in private practice and she set up an appointment for a few weeks later.
We completed a series of psychosocial tests and questionnaires about ourselves, our beliefs and our family. We took home yet more paperwork, which we completed over the two or so weeks. Once everything was submitted we waited for news about a suitable baby.
It took four months from the date we sent our first email to the social worker to the day we picked him up. But we only knew a few days before we picked him up that there was a baby ready to be adopted. Our original preference was for a girl, so our social worker didn’t notify us about boy babies.
Our social worker tried to accommodate us as far as possible from the start. She told us if she had a baby that she thought was suitable for us and we weren’t ready yet, she’d try to place the baby elsewhere to give us more time. She avoided placing any pressure on us.
But when we heard there was a boy waiting for a family, we changed our minds – we knew we were ready.
Explaining to the kids that they will get a new brother or sister is easier when they can see Mommy’s tummy grow and know there’s a baby inside. We told the kids that we wanted another baby but this baby would not come from Mommy’s tummy like they did.
We explained that not every birth mother is able to take care of her baby, but we could help. We wanted another baby and adoption would fulfil this desire while meeting a baby’s need for a family. The girls were excited, but Zac was too young to comprehend what was going on. He’s very easy-going though, so he rolled with it when the time came.
The days leading up to collecting Leo were a whirlwind of emotions. We were excited, scared, anxious, and expectant. Much the same as with the impending arrival of a biological child. It’s overwhelming and surreal, and you’re not really sure how you should feel. You just now that something huge is about to go down.
Bringing him home is where reality set in. Our biological children felt familiar to us from the moment we met, whereas Leo did not. He was a little person who had existed apart from us for four months, so he felt like a stranger in the beginning.
He was very demanding in the early days and it was difficult to give so much of ourselves to a baby we hadn’t really bonded with yet. Saying that, many new parents find bonding with their biological children takes a while too. It can be a process, and this was the case for us with Leo. My other children really helped during this time.
They welcomed Leo into our home and their love and acceptance reassured us and made the process a lot easier. And of course, bonding happened naturally when we weren’t looking.
Some people ask when or how we’ll discuss adoption with the kids and the answer is that we talk about adoption often. The girls tell people that Leo is adopted, and we don’t have a problem with that.
They’ll talk about how Leo didn’t come from Mommy’s tummy and that his birth mom was sick and couldn’t take care of him, so we adopted him and now he’s their brother. It’s the truth and I think it’s healthy to stick with the truth as far as possible. That way nobody feels uncomfortable.
It feels natural and normal because nobody’s hiding anything. And we won’t have to ‘break the news’ to Leo one day.
As parents of four, we’ve had our fair share of change moments, and the most important lesson change has taught us is not to fear it. Change is inevitable, but it’s a lot more fun when you initiate it rather than wait for it to happen to you.
Parenting changes you as a person. It unlocks areas of your heart that you didn’t know existed before and it increases your capacity to love. It’s also made us a lot more sensitive and compassionate, especially towards children.
That said, we don’t have any plans to expand our family further. Not right now, as our family is pretty busy and full as it is. But we’ll never say never.
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