There’s something they should make mandatory in all pre-marital counselling. Something every engaged couple should be required to master before getting married. Mind reading. No, really, I mean it.
Case in point: when I come home and tell Etienne I really need to spend this weekend completing household chores, like banking and shopping and cleaning, what I really mean is we need to finish the chores. Together.
What Etienne hears, however, is that I need to do them. Heck, that I’m offering to do them – all by myself. Did I think it necessary to spell out the fact that we ought to be completing mutual chores together? No. Did Etienne think it necessary to clarify what exactly I meant by ‘I’ and ‘household chores’? Nope.
The result: an incredibly grumpy me huffing and puffing my way through the to-do list early Saturday morning, annoyed that Etienne has barely rolled over in bed while I’m hauling out the garbage or queuing at the bank.
So, who’s in the wrong? Well, both of us and neither of us, all at the same time. Was it fair for me to presume we would complete mutual chores together? I think so. But is Etienne to blame for not hearing me ask for help and assuming I was happy to get on with things by myself? I don’t think so either. You see – mind reading!
Thing is, this isn’t about basic miscommunication – although yes, I’m fast learning that you can never be too explicit or too comprehensive or too clear when it comes to communicating with your partner. Rather, it’s about understanding and pre-empting your partner’s mindset, which – so it seems – is almost always opposite to your own.
You see, when Etienne completes household chores, doing them with me (and so feeling like the effort is equal) isn’t so important. If I sit in front of the TV (yes, I admit it, most likely glued to Real Housewives of Beverley Hills) while Etienne washes up, it doesn’t silently irk him – he’ll ask for help if he needs it. That’s it.
But if I’m busy mopping the floor or tidying, I am willing Etienne to offer to help, even if I happily refuse him, just so I know he isn’t assuming that the chores are all down to me. And I don’t like to ask for help, even if I need it. Even if Etienne would happily give it. For me, I shouldn’t have to ask. You see? Totally different mindset.
So when I suggested we complete chores on Saturday, I assumed Etienne would get involved in the effort, and I certainly didn’t feel it was something I needed to ask him about. But for Etienne, if I needed help, I’d ask – after all, why on earth would he offer unless it was clear his assistance was needed?
Yes, we had a bit of a fight about it. I was hurt he never offered, he was confused that I was hurt when I never explicitly asked for his involvement. The conclusion: when it comes to mutual chores or, probably pretty much anything mutual, we have different mindsets. Sometimes completely different mindsets.
So yes, we can communicate better (give us 40 years of marriage and we’ll still be striving to communicate better), but we also need to remember that we think differently; that we approach situations, ideas, decisions, even a list of chores, differently. It’s not a matter of wrong or right, it’s a matter of not assuming we’re on the same page.
In an ideal world, it’d be a matter of mind reading, but in reality, it’s a matter of communicating and constantly clarifying your expectations, and speaking up quickly (and gently) when they’re not being met, so you don’t descend into huffing and puffing around the kitchen while hubby lies fast asleep in bed.
And sometimes, it means dividing the chores list in two and making peace with the fact that your partner will happily do it in his own time, and there’s nothing wrong with that, as annoying as it might be. As for the mind reading? I’m working on it, but until then, I’m starting all our mutual chores conversations with a very emphatic ‘We’…
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