Picking up the pieces of a shattered marriage is never easy. But when destiny brings two families together, and blends them as one, it can be the start of something lasting and special.
Being in a new relationship, when you have both previously been in a long-term relationship, comes with its own set of challenges. Add one child each to the mix and suddenly it is no longer a relationship with just two individuals, but four different people and two units coming together to form one. A blended family.
When I was divorced two years ago, it was one of the most shattering experiences of my life. The idea that I might move on with someone new was not something I thought would ever happen. But when I met David through a friend, it brought so much joy and laughter into my life. He was funny, thoughtful and listened to what I had to say.
The thought of a serious relationship hadn’t occurred to me initially, because I knew David lived one-and-a-half hours outside Cape Town. However, after a month of chatting every day, David planned our first date in Darling, where we saw the Evita show. So, really I met my darling in Darling! While I was driving back to Cape Town, he sent me a text to say, “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
By our third date, we were both sure this was the start of something special, but we waited five months before introducing our sons to each other. My son, Kallum was 8 and David’s son, Matthew was a year younger at 7.
They were a bit shy of each other at first and we had a few more movie and lunch dates together before we took the kids away for a weekend. Having both been only children, they adore the idea of a sibling and get along really well most of the time.
It wasn’t long before we co-ordinated our weekends so we have the kids on the same weekend and then we have quiet weekends where it is just the two of us. Being part of a blended family has its challenges, not to mention that we are managing a long-distance relationship where we spend half our weeks in Cape Town and the other half on the West Coast.
The fact that the kids get along so well has been a huge blessing. Because they each have to spend time with their other parents, their time with each other is appreciated that much more. Their personalities are also quite different. Where Kallum is quiet and loves nothing better than curling up with a book, Matthew is energetic and loves being outdoors. But they both love their PlayStation.
Matthew also has a great sense of humour. On one of our first visits to Vredenburg, I asked him how to get to Reggies in the mall. “I’ll show you,” he replied confidently. “I know this mall like the back of my hand. I might not know my left from my right sometimes, but I know this mall like the back of my hand!”
Having two kids together also means that issues that are simple for most couples take on greater weight because we always have the little ones to consider. I no longer tell people I have one son, because in my mind I have two. I love Matthew to bits, but at the same time I am careful to always be considerate of his mother, who is such an important part of his life.
There are no rules to how we make our blended family work. Every blended family is different, and the things we do are also not very different from any other relationship. We make time for each other and we talk through everything – the good stuff, the fun things and the topics that are sometimes difficult and painful to discuss. We think twice about the words we use and how they might affect the other person or be misinterpreted.
We each have a great deal of respect for the other’s former partner and always try to consider their feelings when it comes to how we handle situations with the kids. Perhaps because we have both been hurt before, we take extra care to express our appreciation for our partner, for the little things that sometimes go unnoticed.
We are lucky in that we agree on things and have the same outlook 99% of the time. When that 1% comes up, we take time to listen and meet each other halfway. And sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, and move on together anyway.
While we try to give each other and the kids space when it is needed, family time is prioritised. When it is a family weekend, we do everything together, whether it is getting the weekly groceries, doing homework or playing board games. Because we have four schedules to coordinate and often have to spend time apart, our time together is that much more treasured.
Both Kallum and Matthew had to adjust to the idea of a new partner in their parent’s life. But four months after we had introduced them to each other, Kallum suddenly said to me, “I’m kind of glad that you and Daddy got divorced, because if you hadn’t, we would not have Uncle David and Matthew in our lives and the four of us are so happy together.” That, without a doubt, was a huge turning point for me.
David is my best friend, my confidante, and my soul mate. More than a year later, I still get butterflies in my tummy when we kiss. Our little family is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
* Don’t miss our Iris Session about Blended Families! You’ll be able to watch it below:
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