I am 44 and I have been married to a lovely man for 10 years. I am outgoing, friendly and all over the place. He is introverted and fascinating. You can imagine that this has been an interesting dance.
I am a highly relational creature; my husband on the other hand is remarkably contained. He really loves me, but has very little need to interact with me all the time. This has driven me to the edge of reason and way into the dark side on many occasions. I feel rejected and misunderstood and he just doesn’t get me and by extension then doesn’t really love me.
For the last two or three years I have been having this terrible feeling that I am missing out on life and it’s all his fault. Of course, I know that is not true, but it really does feel like that sometimes. We have both been miserable.
I have spent a massive amount of energy and effort trying to create a proper relationship with my husband and have been frustrated with the results. This relationship isn’t conforming to my idea of a loving, mature and deeply connected relationship. It’s all wrong and as a good wife it’s my responsibility to make it good, isn’t it?
Well, it recently came to my attention that in fact it’s not. I have, with the help of great books, awesome friends and therapy, come to the conclusion that my ‘primary’ relationship is not actually with my husband. My primary relationship is with myself.
In the moment that I really got this, I felt incredible relief and release. If I am in a loving relationship with myself, I will be able to nourish my own soul and not need him anymore. That means we can have a relationship as two adults, engaging as we wish, with no huge expectations that set everyone up to fail.
When I realised I could spend the energy that I have been pumping into getting it right with my husband, rather doing things that I love and taking care of my own inner needs, I felt elated.
I am an interesting person who loves to explore the world, inside and out. Suddenly I have time and energy for the reading, art, friends, and journaling that I have missed since our kids came along. Of course, being a good wife I prioritised my marriage over myself. Not anymore. It doesn’t work.
You may be thinking, “but what about your husband?” My husband is delighted that I finally understand this. He has been trying to make me happy doing things he has no idea how to do. With the expectations out of the way, things are lighter and easier and he’s more attentive when we spend time together because he can relax and so can I. It’s lovely.
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