My kids are extremely hot. Not good looks hot, temperature hot. For the first year of Thing 1’s life, I was convinced that she had an unceasing fever. It turns out they are just hot people.
They never feel cold enough to wear anything more that the flimsiest layer of clothing, irrespective of the weather. Warm clothes make them miserable. I have tried to force-clothe them. The older one either refuses point blank, or simply takes the clothes off the second I am out of sight. Thing 2 resorts to writhing around while pulling at the clothing, as if she is being exorcised.
When we go out on a cold day, I look like a very bad mom, warmly dressed, with two nearly naked children in tow. I get looks, glares, and confrontations. The passive aggressives will loudly ask Thing 1 if she is not cold. The ones who are honest about their aggression or lack boundaries simply confront me.
I never take it personally because I appreciate how bad it looks. I too struggle to accept that my children are in agreement with Kenneth from 30 Rock when he warned that hot is the devil’s temperature.
Thing 1 has an added quirk that aggravates our problem. She has horribly shaped feet, my boor baby. They are narrow and ladylike at the heel and too broad to be allowed at the toes. They are trapezium-shaped and resemble hobbit feet. It must be from her father’s side. There are no hobbits in my family. What she does get from me is an upturned big toe.
Our big toes point heavenwards, making most closed shoes uncomfortable. Between the broad hobbit foot and the upturned toe, my child can happily and comfortably wear sandals, but closed shoes are a challenge. She rips them off her feet any opportunity she gets, irrespective of the season. So I can be spotted and judged walking around with a barely dressed, barefooted child in the middle of winter.
Thing 2 loves shoes. So we don’t have that problem. But she too has her own issue that is a public image nightmare. She is terrified of crawling babies. I have no idea why. She just does not approve of babies crawling around. They seem to give her the hibby jibbies. She reacts to them the way other people react to Parktown Prawns. She has adopted the “best defence is an offence” strategy.
As soon as she spots a crawling baby, she yells a warning to prevent the baby from getting too close. If the baby is foolish enough not to heed her warnings, she’ll take a swipe at the baby. This does not make us popular at parties and playgrounds.
That’s me. I roll with two barely dressed offspring, one trampling about in bare hobbit feet during cold fronts, and the other attempting to trample other people’s very cute babies. They make me look bad.
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