From Grand Traditional with all the trimmings, to hipster-style minimalism, the Christmas tree in your lounge says as much about you as it does about your Christmas itself, writes Lena Dunham
Picture perfect
Your tree is: The ‘Douglas Fir’ with all the extras. Whether it’s plastic or you’ve imported it from Canada, your great green giant is the most lush, most Chistmassy Christmas tree that ever there was. If you could import snow for a better effect, you would.
You are: A traditionalist who starts planning Christmas before the shopping malls do. You aim for the Norman Rockwell Christmas card image and will pay decorators to get the job done if you can.
I’m not going to say you’re a stickler for perfection, but you’re a stickler for perfection. Your tree ornaments are chosen for style and probably each cost the price of a small car. Everyone loves your parties because you’re the Bree van de Kamp in your circles and there’s not one detail you haven’t thought of.
The family get together
Your tree is: A pavement special, traditional-cut child pleaser that was bought by that guy who brings his bakkie round to the neighbourhood every year.
You are: Probably a parent who is only getting a tree to keep your kids smiling and would happily rather spend the time napping if given an option. Still, you might as well have a place to put the presents. Getting the tree and putting the decorations up is probably a last-minute affair, weighing more heavily towards anxiety than Christmas cheer. Whoever has to detangle the lights wins the Xanax. Your ornaments are an assortment of end-year school projects and the youngest gets to put the angel, star or Darth Vader ornament on the top of tree. The Christmas miracle is that you manage to survive past New Year.
The plastic fantastic, tinsel town
Your tree is: Probably plastic, possibly silver, and what a tree would look like if Santa farted on it. It has all the lights, all the colour, all the tinsel, all the decorations, because more is more and Christmas needs a Chinese factory’s worth of cheer to make it worthwhile.
You are: Still a child at heart, love Boney M and sing along to Christmas carols in shopping centres. You have a box of decorations you’ve collected over the years but still feel the need to add to annually. You are literally surprised every time you open the box, as if you didn’t pack it all away the year before. You are the reason rom-coms and Hallmark exist. Your friends think it’s all very cute but probably want you to stop playing the carols. Next level plastic fantastic includes the fibre-optic trees. If this is you, you’re probably a bit of a nerd.
Minimal styled
Your tree is: barely a tree. These are the bare-bones wooden, metal, feather or cutlery art pieces that seem to be representations of Christmas trees, but no-one but you can be sure. Instead of baubles you have small origami lamas; instead of tinsel you have woven together stems of thyme and Himalayan berries. If you’ve moved into next-level minimal, you don’t even have a tree – your tree is a bowl of glass balls filled with red glitter…or some equally stylish feature.
You are: Probably a designer or artist. You are the reason home & décor magazines exist. VISI would probably feature your house or pencil case. You like Christmas not for the cheer that other people feel, but because it’s the perfect excuse to buy the latest Japanese-inspired bamboo cover for your iPad or create the clever, perfectly wrapped gifts you’re so well-loved for. You are the most stylish of your friend circle and believe laughter is for the weak.
The barely there tree
You tree is: Probably beaded and/or very, very small. There’s nothing on it, because either the beads are a eye-busting assortment of colours or the decorations are moulded onto the tree, along with it’s coating of snow.
You are: not sure why you have a tree. Someone said you probably should get one, so you picked one up at the corner of Long and Loop or found yours at the Crazy R5 Store. You don’t mind the nod to the festive season, but there are other things to focus on, like getting your holiday on. You’re likely to be single, living alone or in a commune. If you choose to have kids, you’ll probably be the one who suddenly has ‘lots of things to do’ when it comes time to untangle those lights.
* This article was originally published on 18 December 2014.
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