It may be possible to buy a home without using the services of an estate agent, but going it alone when buying or selling a home could end in misery if something goes wrong.
Estate agents are the butt of endless jokes, so we thought we’d wade into the fray and take a lighthearted look at the different types of agents that could invade your world.
‘Know it all Kevin’. This type adores the sound of his own voice and can rattle off roughly 900 words per minute. An avid academic, he spends more time attending sales courses, than actually selling homes. Tends to be uber keen and easily excitable and believes he’ll lose a sale if he can’t convince the client to buy the property within the first seven minutes of entering the home.
‘The Technophobe‘. Generally an older agent, who is terrified of just about every modern communication gadget available and truly believes that hell froze over with the advent of the fax machine. He was forced to buy a Nokia 5110 once, which, despite being dropped in a show house toilet in ’99, still works like a dream. He eventually mastered the art of using the fax machine and can’t understand why most of his clients now use email. He has a digital camera, but is scared of it and continues to use his trusty Kodak instamatic.
‘The petrol head’. Although he’s desperate to drive a BMW Z3, sales have been a little slow over the past 10 years and he’s forced to ferry clients around in his secondhand Mazda MX6. He went on a sales course once that confirmed his belief that the wife always makes the buying decision. He goes all out to impress his female clients with his advanced driving skills and can drive and eat a takeaway curry and rice at the same time.
‘The wannabe accountant‘. He is able to preform a statistical analysis on any property in SA. Typically drives a Station wagon, but in all honesty, is willing to drive anything that makes economic sense. Spends fifteen minutes filling in his car log book (using the buyers pen) before he’s willing to show the home. Has an inordinate fondness for spreadsheets and will demonstrate his latest formula if you ask: don’t ask.
‘Eco estate salesman‘. He has taken a stance and won’t sell anything unless he deems it eco-friendly. Refuses to show a home until all invader species have been removed and will spend more time showing clients the spoor of the duiker than the property itself. This type is easily identifiable by the game ranger outfits he wears and the car he drives, which is usually a Land Rover complete with high powered spots for game (read dassie) viewing. He’s considering going vegan, but battles to stomach tofu.
‘The Silver tongued rascal’. This smooth talker has an answer for everything. One of his ancestors coined the ‘fix me upper’ phrase and he proudly uses it at every given opportunity. A confirmed bachelor and lady’s man, this gem will focus all his attention on ‘the little lady’. He dresses to kill and owns a wardrobe of polyester suits and loud ties. Be warned, this sort isn’t the best driver given that he spends an inordinate amount of time checking out his moustache and the lady’s legs in the rear view mirror.
‘The Skeptic’. Believes that the 2008/9 economic crash was caused by the Illuminati and that the moon landing was a fake. This type is unlikely to supply a comparative market analysis to the seller as he knows that the figures are rigged. He doesn’t believe a word of what the buyer tells him, including their financial limitations, and will show them houses completely out of their price range. He doesn’t trust banks or bond originators and will often be heard stating ‘cash is king’.
‘The handbag brigade’. Fortunately a dying breed, this type of agent doesn’t sell property on a full time basis. She is more at home chairing Tupperware meetings, which is what led her to decide to sell real estate in the first place. Prone to overselling, this individual is an expert at stating the obvious such as, ‘this is the kitchen’. Not a bad agent, but be warned, this type has your contact details and will be in touch regarding her new line of household cleaners (only available in bulk).
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