How I Zoomed through the gloom to find joy in my lockdown life

First, came the panic. Then the fear. Then the sense that the world was closing in. But slowly, through the power of technology and connection, a pathway opened towards the light for a wanderer far from home

The walls of my studio flat felt like they were starting to close in on me. I could feel the blood coursing through my veins, my body heating up, the panic rising to my skin.

It was 11:59PM on March 26, 2020 – one minute before lockdown in South Africa, and the beginning of a whole new direction in life for me.

I’m Canadian, but for the past decade, I’ve called Cape Town my home. In the first days of lockdown, my family in Canada began texting me to ‘get back immediately’ before things got worse. I was at a crossroad.

I had created a life here, but was it time to pack up and start anew in my home country, without knowing the long-term implications of the pandemic?

My options were limited and challenging. There were repatriation flights for exorbitant prices, and with immediate departure dates. It felt overwhelming to have to pack up and leave so abruptly.

The ball of bad news picked up momentum. After dedicating half my life to a career in travel, as a content creator and consultant, my services were no longer required, given travel bans. I knew that the prospect of further employment in this field anytime soon was grim.

For the first time in years, I felt very alone. Yet somehow, I have not only kept my head above water, but I feel a deep joy flowing through my being.

The way I navigated this change in my life reminds me of when my father died. In Hindu tradition, there are certain rites of transition involved in a death ritual that occur on specific days after bereavement.

Distracted by the preparations, once it was all over, I could process the passing of my father from a less stressful state.

In this case, when the initial shock of losing the life I once knew had subsided, I immersed myself in taking care of a group of homeless people nearby. I sourced funds and food donations, procured blankets and warm clothing, and helped out until the group were moved to a shelter.

Then I began my ‘Zoom to stave off gloom’ journey. There were so many options for personal development, including breathwork sessions, movement classes, and book readings.

Meetings turned into workshops, which turned into retreats, and even a4-day online tantra festival with a sacred fire that burned throughout.

In the breakout rooms, I began to dive deeply into feelings and emotions, sharing grievances, joys, and vulnerabilities.

I’ve gained skills in conscious breathing, trauma release exercises, tantric practices, heart-centered awareness postures, chanting mantras, and movement classes. These tools and techniques help to calm and balance the nervous system.

One of the most important takeaways from this phase of my COVID-19 journey is that my focus creates my reality.  

The state I cultivate here will determine my future direction. I can choose to focus on the known stressful past, or I can choose to focus on the unknown future.

Having the luxury to delve into these practices, and the privilege to live without extreme struggle for survival, has allowed me to access and embody an elevated state of gratitude.

I’ve mourned the end of the life I once knew. I’ve honoured and moved through difficult emotions, and dropped deep into the abyss between heaven and earth.

Within that space, away from panic and fear, I can move from gratitude, acceptance, love and compassion, toward a future of limitless possibilities.