It can be a jungle out there for moms and dads going it alone, says Liana Meadon. Here’s how she made it out alive.
Uncapped parenting, a tale of two cities, and one very lucky little boy
I’ve experienced a spectrum of parenting options, from the happily married newbie mommy, to the unhappily married and doing-it-all-myself mommy. But leaving your husband still makes you a mommy, so divorce only solved one aspect of what I wanted to fix in my life.
The landscape of single parenting is in fact a jungle. We have good, predictable, calm days and then we have typhoons. And parenting challenges are many, whether you’re a mom or a dad. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, it’s been a learning curve and I know that I’m still far from learning all the lessons single parenting will challenge me with.
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After I left my husband, I moved cities (and provinces) so that I could have my family as a support base. It meant taking my then four year-old boy 1 200 km away from his father, who naturally, then became convinced that I was the bride of Satan. Moving so that I could be closer to my parents (read: live in their house while I recovered) was the hardest decision I had to make and it was tough. Very tough. I left a job that I loved, a city I called my home and all my friends, and crawled back to the parental units with my tail between my legs as a 30-something divorced disaster diva.
It also meant that I was my son’s only parental option. His dad tried to visit as often as possible during that year and a bit, but I had the sole custody without the every Wednesday night and every second weekend option.
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I have buckets of respect for anyone who has to do all that. All the time. For me, it meant having no life of my own, it meant constantly doubting myself for moving back to Joburg, it meant not making new friends, it meant working a job I hated, it meant not being able to feel sick when I was sick, it meant over-compensating as a mom, and it meant never having a bath on my own.[/one_half_last]
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But then the ex moved here, and voila, a new life was again possible.
He made it clear from the beginning that he was only moving to Joburg to be with his son, so doing the every Wednesday and every second weekend thing was not going to happen. And you know what? I wanted to weep with joy that my son was lucky enough to have such an awesome dad. He sucked as a husband, but is a rock star dad!
We now have a smooth-running, three-day/three-day cycle of dual custody going. A simple Excel spreadsheet is our parenting plan, and it’s as flexible as possible because we can plan one month ahead and move days around if there’s something.
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When my son is with his dad, I phone him every night to say goodnight. Same thing happens when my son is with me, and his dad phones to say goodnight. The most important thing is that our son spends 50% of his time with his mom, and 50% of his time with his dad. We’re a team when it comes to our six year-old, and we make a pretty damn good team. In short, it’s uncapped as much as it can be, whilst keeping it separate.
Sure, we have our moments, and sure, there are times that I don’t want to see my ex and do a baby-swop, but we have a common goal, and that’s to make sure that our kid is ok at the end of it all. There are no rules that say that after a divorce, the mom gets to keep the kids. That’s archaic and actually, very unfair. Not just on the dad, but also on the kid.
Don’t restrict yourself to limited parental cover, uncap your parenting!
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- Did you go (or are you going) through a similar experience? Please share your story below.
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