There’s more to being equal partners in a modern relationship than splitting the household bills on a spreadsheet. Sometimes, even in the little gestures, it’s good to know you’re being taken care of too
I remember sitting on a bed with a guy I was deeply in love with – we had intended to get married – and having a rather uncomfortable conversation about money.
In fact, if I remember correctly, it wasn’t much of a conversation, but a soliloquy that also involved him taking out his laptop to draw up a spreadsheet of expenses that we should each take care of. His solution was that we should pay equally for everything – split expenses right down the middle.
The feminist in me saw this as perfectly reasonable and generous, given what I’d been hearing about some women taking care of a chunk of the bills these days. I should be so lucky!
So, here’s the thing…that didn’t work for me. It wasn’t so much that there was an obvious flaw in the alignment of his spreadsheet – he earned more than twice what I did (being a creative doesn’t pay much) but expected me to take care of half the bills.
Never mind that we spent most days at my place and he ate meals there all the time but had never contributed towards groceries. It was more that he wasn’t even in conflict about the whole thing. He was rather resolute and proud of himself.
But why did I have such a problem with such an exercise? Up to that point, I was perfectly fine with taking care of my own bills. I had been paying for my mortgage at my old flat, rent at my new place, car installments, insurance, and groceries, and had done so without a man helping me out.
What he was actually proposing is that we become equal partners in sharing these expenses, giving some relief to both of us paying individually.
Most women I know will never admit publicly that they like a guy taking care of them financially, even when they can afford to pay their way. However, the conclusion of their complaints inevitably ends up with the guy being labelled a loser.
Take this scenario for instance. Girlfriend’s car breaks down and she calls your boyfriend and tells him she’s broken down. His response is, “have you called AA?” It’s a perfectly reasonable question, but it’s not what she wanted to hear at that very moment.
The response you she was looking for is, “Send me your location, I’m on my way.” Even though she pays for AA or any other car recovery service, this gesture goes a long way to making her feel taken care of.
So, I have come to be frank over the years about where I stand on this. I do not expect you to pay for my AA or car insurance. I don’t even expect you to pay for my car.
But when my car has broken down, or needs a change of globe, I do expect that you would concern yourself, even if that means you merely supervise or manage the car repair process.
I grew up with both kinds of men. A biological father who was emotionally and financially unavailable, as well as an older brother, and later a stepfather, who would go out of their way to help when I got stuck, with a car or anything. I’ve learned to appreciate this kind of gesture and even go as far as expect this from a man in my life.
I was fortunate to have found a husband who has a natural disposition to ‘take care of stuff’ or provide. I’m still grappling with the percentage of my financial contribution to expenses, on a creative’s income, but I take comfort in not having to worry about balancing a spreadsheet again.
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