There are certain benefits to moving back home when you’ve been on your own for a while. But when you’re sharing a space all over again, compromise is the price you have to pay
I was lucky enough to land a job soon after graduating. Like most of my peers, after I started working, I left home in a quest to be independent.
After years of living in total freedom and doing whatever I wanted to do with my life, I had to come back home in 2015. I lived alone in a family house, rent-free. Moving back home was great. I still had my space, but most of all, I did not have to worry about paying rent.
Things changed though when my nephew came to join me in 2017, while pursuing his university studies. Just like that, my independence was gone.
Moving back home was supposed to be a temporary arrangement for me. I came back briefly to look after the house, and the plan was to find someone to rent it while I moved back into a flat. The temporary reprieve from paying rent felt great, and not only that, it gave me freedom to save up money so I could do the things I love.
I travelled a bit around South Africa and invested, which came in handy when I left my job and started I’m building my laundry business, Express Laundry. But while living in my family home has given me some independence, it has also taken some away.
When I was still working and lived alone, after a long day, all I wanted to do was get home, take a long bath and listen to my music. Now I live with someone who does not fully understand the concept of boundaries.
I guess that’s generally an issue when you live in a family house. I can’t have true autonomy. I can try as much as I want to personalise the space, but I am constantly reminded that it’s not mine.
My greatest challenge is to negotiate for quiet time, because my nephew loves playing music loud. This is often a dance of strong egos and wills between us. We both like autonomy over our space, but constantly bump each other, which causes tension.
My other challenge is negotiating with a patriarchal mindset, which is difficult to change. My nephew is not home-trained, and that means I do a lot of cleaning after him, including little things, like picking up cups he leaves in the sink for me to wash, and making sure that I remind him to take out the trash.
My friends often tell me that while this is annoying and sometimes hurtful, even the most loving teens in non-traditional families are faced with the death stare when the adolescent is asked to rise out of the phone and do a family chore. So apparently it’s not all about me.
My nephew is currently interning and earns some money. He contributes towards food and electricity, but I carry the bulk of household expenses. I asked him to contribute as he was not used to paying for his livelihood because my mom paid for everything, a norm in the African household.
Asking him to contribute money was challenging at first because I felt like I was punishing him for living with me. It’s becoming easier with practice. We are even taking turns to cook.
It’s been two years now and it doesn’t look like things will change soon. When I decide to leave, which will happen at some point, the house will either be rented out, or my nephew will continue to occupy it. If I decided to move out now, that may affect my business.
I’ve built a stable clientele in the past two months and I may lose them if I move to a new location. It’s these things that make living in this potjie mix of a setting an emotional rollercoaster ride, especially for me as I thrive on alone time.
The goal is to buy my own property in the next three years. My ideal home is a quiet, spacious house, where I can write and meditate in peace, while listening to soft background music occasionally. Very soft. Very occasionally.
I’m grateful though as I’m able to focus on my business without worrying about paying rent, both for myself and the business, Express Laundry.
So I guess, right now, independence for me, means adjusting to, continuing to accept and learning to love my current living arrangement.
Leave a Reply