Just yesterday, it seems, she was a tiny, helpless baby. Now, on the verge of teenagerhood, she’s a strong and independent child who will be an even stronger woman. A father takes a moment to wonder at the changes we go through as parents, when our children themselves get ready to change.
I was in the delivery room with my wife, who was busy giving birth. She was squatting, due to an old spinal injury, and I was supporting her, holding her up from behind. Eventually, something plopped on the floor. It was over. She and the midwife embraced, both with great relief, while I asked if anyone was going to pick up the baby.
It was a girl! What I had hoped for, a sparrow to fly with the raven that was my existing son. While in the womb, he had nicknamed her ‘Button’, due to the distension of her mother’s bellybutton, and that is the name we even briefly considered, before realising that it would shorten into a vulgar term for a part of the human anatomy.
Eleven days later, we named her. Ten years later, we’re still getting to know her. Soon, she will enter a larger world, both outside of herself, and within. She is growing up so fast, it seems like every time I turn my head, she’s an inch higher. People who haven’t seen her for a while say: “You’ve gotten so tall!” She squirms, rolls her eyes, blushes, fidgets, sighs. Is there nothing more original to be said, or enquired after? Adults are so predictable.
Our girl is developing at an uneven pace. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, there is much in disarray. In these changes, I’ll credit that her mother is much more insightful than I about her nature and her needs. As we’re a re-configured family after divorce, they spend more time together. Also, she’s her mother.
I watch, support and learn where I can, having recognised many years ago that despite calling her ‘our girl’ or ‘my daughter’, these children do not belong to me. I am simply privileged to care for them until they fly away one day. Watching them fall from the nest is part of their learning. I have cared deeply for this little bird, in so many ways, with her lengthening wings.
And yes, like any father in this often violent country might feel, I pray no enduring harm comes to her. I tell her if ever she’s in trouble, just go for the eyes! Poke! She is strong, physically, which is an advantage here, and she is about to become an even stronger woman.
There are rights of passage she’ll go through that I’m less equipped to support her through. But I’ve been to the pharmacy. I’m in standby mode. So I hope we can deal with it together if it happens on my watch. Although this is an event that will most likely be shared by her mother, her mother might be far away, as she sometimes is. I wonder if my relationship with my daughter is open enough for this kind of stuff to happen, and happen well? Single dadding is about this kind of stuff.
I wouldn’t swop it for the world. Thinking about the favourite parts of my life, there are several involving this remarkable young girl, that are shared with me alone. She hugs hard and long and sometimes adds a back scratch. She allows me to lie alongside her on her bed, read recipe books or make up word games and stories. She’s a great baker, like her mother, and generous, always thinking of others.
These are the moments I will cherish the best, as she ventures into her more private teenage years. The transition is already profound. I notice she is more moody, more reticent, sometimes more agitated. Incredibly strong minded and emotionally articulate, more and more she hides behind a screen or a comic, perhaps to avoid dealing with things. I remind myself that when things change, there’s always something lost, something gained. It’s a privilege for me to watch this take flight.
And whatever happens to me, she will always know how much I love her. I think that’s the most important thing, for it leads to acceptance, to learning, to compassion. She will become a wonderful woman, a great friend, a laughing giant of life. And I am her father. The thought astounds me!
So, when she does finally leave the nest, I will be left on my own. She will have taught me much on our time together. I both dread the day, and look forward to finally flying again too, and flapping these old feathers once again.
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