When two families become one, the change in the family dynamic can be hard for everyone to handle. But when children set the pace and lead the way, it’s easier to learn to love change and start afresh
Every blended family is different in its own way, brought together by destiny, circumstance, and love. But when two families become one, unwelcome baggage can also be brought into the mix: resentment, suspicion, a clash of cultures, personalities and attitudes.
Funnily enough, it all works out if you add a blend of trust, empathy, and understanding, as Matsheko Bopape and Mark Feben have discovered for themselves.
They met at a comedy club, fell in love at first sight, and joined forces to form a crew that embraces Zulu, Sotho, Afrikaans, English, and of course, each other. Matsheko and Mark have five children between them, ranging in ages from one to 16. That’s a lot of blending, and a lot of family. What’s their secret for making things work?
As they told Ruda Landman at a BrightRock Iris Session, it all comes down to good communication and rules of engagement.
“We both come from different parenting styles,” says Mark. “I’m a bit more relaxed, Mats is a bit more strict. We decided to sit together and implement house-rules. It’s a lot of planning, and a lot of hard work. You’ve really got to focus.”
For Mia von Scha, a life coach and parenting coach, who joined in the session, the secret to successfully blending a family is to take it slowly, one step at a time.
“There’s a lot of change going on,” she says, “and when we go through change, we go into fight or flight. When you have children coming into a new home, they can’t flee, so their natural response becomes to fight.”
She advises parents in a blended relationship to take the time to connect and slow down, a process that calls for plenty of transparency and open communication.
“Going into a blended family is like moving into a commune,” says Mia. “You’re moving in with people you don’t know, and you don’t necessarily like. You build a new relationship slowly, and you build it with respect. You get to know each other.”
Mark and Masheko, despite their differences in style and approach, were fortunate to find common ground in the ease with which their children got on with each other.
“We took them on a play-date, and his daughter loved my daughter,” says Matsheko. “They became friends and introduced everybody else into the circle.”
Mark was initially concerned that his older daughter, more set in her ways, would find the transition to the new family set-up hard to handle.
“She said, dad, it’s going to be a bit difficult for me,” he recalls. “But she took to it quite quickly.”
As Mia puts it, children are smarter and more resilient than we tend to give them credit for. The real secret to blending?
“Manage your expectations,” she says. “All families have conflict. That’s a normal part of life. It’s not necessarily about being from a blended family. It just about human relationships.”
*For more advice and insights on the joys and challenges of blending a family, watch the full Iris Session below:
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