Hi everyone, meet my, um, er, significant something-or-other

In a world where old traditions and old attitudes are subject to change, deciding what to call the partner in your life can be a tough call. 

I remember the first time I was able to call someone my boyfriend. It was a heady feeling. He was mine, I was his. We were a couple and the whole world knew it. It was part of the passage of teenage hood.

But as you get older, or when you’ve been in a committed relationship with someone for a long time calling them your boyfriend feels, well, … naff. And, anyway he’s not a boy. He’s a MAN!

The thing is, I’m not sure there’s a suitable replacement word available.

“Partner”, the next most used option, can lead to misinterpretation. I once booked a holiday for my “partner and I” only to see the landlady of the B&B bitterly disappointed that I arrived with a man and that I wasn’t the lesbian she’d presumed was staying.

“Gentleman friend” reminds me of something my grandmother would say. “Gentleman caller” is downright creepy and “Significant other” feels dehumanising.

So what is one to do?

I’ll admit that in the past I’ve referred to my man as my husband because it’s easier. It provides a sense of security when faced with another man who I feel slightly uneasy about (in a panicky, feeling threatened kind of way) as the word husband immediately signals to the world, ‘stay back, I’m spoken for’.

Language legitimises relationships and tells everyone what to expect.  By not being married, yet choosing to be committed to one other person means that I fall outside of this safety zone. For my generation, marriage is no longer a pre-requisite for a socially acceptable relationship between two mature people. But that also means we have to create our own language.

While I don’t believe that my relationship needs to be labelled or defined, I can see that we need a way to refer to it.

So what is he to me? He is my sounding board, my confidant, the person who I most long to see and spend time with. He’s my lover, my safe place and most importantly my best friend.

And maybe that’s all I need to say.

* This article was originally posted on 8 September 2015.