For richer or for poorer, yes, but how about for thinner or for not-so-thinner? Your weight shouldn’t be an extra burden when it comes to planning your big day, but if you worry about whether you’re fit enough to get married, here are some tips from a perpetual worrier.
The worst thing about getting married is the pressure to lose weight. I know, that for the rest of my life, (or marriage) that these images are going to fleece the wall of every home that I will ever have. The last thing I want is to look like is the Oros man, especially when my future kids, and their future friends, sit and smirk at me.
Teenagers are cruel in the future too. I am a big lad. I like to call myself fit fat. This year, I completed an ultra-marathon, weighing in at a cool 113kgs. That’s 11 or so bags of Epol. Here are some diet and lifestyle tips I learned along the way.
Banting and Fasting
You’d think I’d be wary of a diet that’s a synonym for speed yet feels like you’re waiting through all three Lord of the Rings films to get to your next meal. Imagine sitting in a cafe surrounded by sweet cakes and savoury muffins and you’re taking sips of black coffee, sparkling water and misery.
Carbohydrates are the food equivalent of the sexiest human you’ve ever seen, except carbs accept you, so why in the world would you deny yourself the opportunity to dance with the devil?
I’m still fat because I love beer. I love how it feels down my throat after a long day, I love how it feels after exercise, I love how it brings people together. I mostly love how some of my happier moments involved a lager, a laugh and no loneliness. Beer might make you fat, but you’ve never seen a man look lonely with a beer in his hand.
Sometimes I like to dip my beer in bread.
High Intensity Interval Training
I joined Roark because I’m like a little fitness hipster and crossfit was too mainstream. I was excited, nervous and casually over-confident. I had seen the gentleman that choose this place to be their church and they looked as though they’d been 3D printed directly off the cover of Men’s Health. I figured this was the perfect look for me.
It felt like a brotherhood, except all your brothers are better looking, more popular and more dedicated than you. After the first week, you walk like you’ve been involved in a car wreck and your hands feel like hermit crabs.
I loved every moment.
I’m still fat because it’s not a part time gig. You don’t just do this high intensity vibe when you like – like meditation or Fit five thousand or whatever number they throw at you. Being that fit takes the kinds of dedication and the will to drive your body somewhere it’s never been.
Like Asia for me.
Cardio
I may have mentioned before and in every single conversation that I have that I have run an ultra marathon. What this means is that between the months of November and March this year, I completed a tally of 800km. In January alone I racked up more than 250km, that’s more than I drove that month.
Still fat.
I got a bike.
Still fat.
Calorie Counters
Calories counters are great. They’re an excellent method of telling you exactly what amount of fuel you’re putting into your body and how much your body would actually need to get you through the day.
They make it easy for you to understand exactly what it is that you need to lose weight in a comfortable manner, that is healthy and sustainable.
I’m still fat because I make sure that I don’t add the foods that I eat on the weekend. Pizza is around 1700 calories. Is it even a weekend if you don’t have a pizza?
I lied. These tips are nothing short of useless. At least, they were for me, but maybe you’ll have better luck. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned, but I’m a runner, so when you see those big lads looking like they’re tarring the roads rather than running on them, feel for them. They’re basically just chasing the next km to service their beer and pizza intake.
We’ve got to stop putting ourselves under such pressure to look a better version of ourselves on our wedding day. We’re all beautiful, aren’t we? Or maybe I should try juicing…
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